I should be in bed....

....but I don't feel like sleeping....and I suspect I'll have many nights like this.

Tony told Teddy last night....I didn't want the kids to know but in the end...it's probably a good thing that Teddy does....definitely not a good thing that Krystina does....not now...maybe not ever.... He's being very good about it all...asking me questions and giving me kisses....oh what we do to get those little pecks on the cheek!?

So now my family and friends all know....they're all being incredibly awesome about it all. I'm still really trying to get my shit together and move forward....hello....I have "cancer"...fuck me. Ok that's a little harsh but I just want to hit something or scream or...something......it just all seems so incredibly surreal. Okay...now that I've that out....we'll move forward.

My decision now is....do I settle with a "lumpectomy"?...or do I just have the whole darn thing removed and then....do I have them both removed? lol....funny thing is they say that if you breast feed your children you're much less likely to get breast cancer....um hello....I had Teddy for 4 months, Aleks for 12 and Krystina for 13 1/2!!!....so much for that. I'm thinking just get rid of both of them and if I choose....I can always get "better and bigger" down the road.

This all has to do with the fact that I was talking vanity by saying that my boobs had finally "bounced back" (since having children) and that my hair has finally gotten to a length and thickness that I'm happy with...since my teen years. See people...."vanity"....does no darn good!

I'm jumping the gun I know.....I'm definitely having surgery...in the next few weeks....I'm definitely having a radioactive (or something like that) dye shot through my veins to see if this bitch has gone further than my left breast.....the chemo and radiation is still up in the air.

I'll tell ya one thing though.....this is another kick in the ass to take my vitamins (yes, I know Erik... ;o) ), not stress so much, slow life down, enjoy each moment, exercise and lay off the wine! Sometimes this is what it takes.....so sad though.

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