Monday, January 31, 2011

Thankful

As is pretty typical with any form of chemotherapy...the more treatments you have...the more your body gets worn down and eaten away. I've only had two (next one on Monday) and while I've kept up to my regular schedule pretty well...I have noticed a slight decrease in my energy level and/or "get up and go" attitude. But still....I had a friend today say to me (in not these exact words) "gee...I keep thinking I'm going to see you all down and trodden and yet...you're still going strong!". That's because it takes alot to get me down....I don't say this to "pat myself on the back"...I just have no other choice and yet....life is so much slower for me now. As I mentioned though...I have noticed a bit of a change.

I owe my friends the utmost in thanks and gratitude...I've been overwhelmed with the want to help me out with driving the kids after my treatments (three kids...three schools), the flowers, the offers to drive to treatment (I'm not allowed to drive the day and for a couple of days after), for the hats I've received and the wonderful meals that have been prepared for me and my family. Today I went out to my usual "Monday client" and as I expected after a long day there...I was "done" when I got home. Thankfully a friend had come by in the morning and dropped off the yummiest pasta dish....which I just had to pop in the oven and serve with salad....so thankful! We've had chili, chicken pot pie, meatloaf, lasagna, soup, cabbage rolls....so many yummy treats. I just feel amazing gratitude....and guilt...because I honestly think I should feel worse in order to be taken care of so well!

And my work is so caught up that I actually have two...count 'em...two...lunch dates this week....and then there's blood work and the gear up for my next "poison dump"...but hey...we'll be half way there!....always a positive side!

And now...my head is itchy...gotta go and scratch!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Head Gear

So I obviously I wear alot of scarfs/hats/bandana's and/or my wig lately....all of which are a pain in the ass and recently...would rather do without. But...there are a tonne of cool bandana's out there...very cool! So I found a really neat "skull and crossbones".....yes....I have a "dark side" and then there was a really cool blue and red paisley one that I liked. My husband on the other hand....was on the lookout for a cool "gun" style head dress...and he found one....so we'll see what comes in the mail. Call us rednecks....call us what you will...we're making "light" of this whole crappy situation...which is starting to wear on me...but not enough to bring me down.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

It was a good night to go out....

....even if the meal was less than yummy.

I cook...I cook almost every single day...for 6 people and sometimes more (sometimes less too)...but the point is that we don't go out very often...it's too expensive. So I said to Tony this morning..."hey..how about we head out to Ea*rl's tonight and eat someone else's cooking?". Teddy ended going to work, Krystina went to a soccer buddies for a "movie night" and so I sent Grandpa and Al off to get a burger and we went out to enjoy dinner on our own.

I put my hair on and we headed down the road....it was busy...it was noisy...but it was good to get out. Tony ordered a plate of the hot wings, I ordered a "prawn dish" that came out to be a sushi roll (totally mis-read that)...but was tasty. And then my hubs had a cedar planked salmon and I had the chicken in a white wine sauce...both not as good as we had hoped. The flavor wasn't there and they forgot Tony's potatoes...how do you forget the starch? Still....it was good to get out and be alone and talk...which we always seem to forget how to do as soon as we sit down...so we talk about the kids...and my hairless head.

And now I ask the middle child to "stop yelling at his PS3"...we wait for the girl to be driven home from her "movie night" and the eldest to finish his shift at the pancake place where he picked up a shift to wash dishes because hey...he had nothing better to do.

But all in all....a good day to be had.

Friday, January 28, 2011

You haven't missed me at all...have you?

Just haven't felt much like being here lately...oh don't worry...I'm checking up on all of you on a daily basis but...my tongue has been tied. Actually I've wanted to write...sort of...but then I go "blah" and sit on the couch and ignore the computer. It's being monopolized anyways....

Still trying to get over a sore throat that could be the result of incredibly intense allergies, possibly a cold due to my lower immunity, a result of acid reflux damage or hell...it could be the damn drugs they keep pumping into my veins!

Doing okay otherwise....life is good....but it sucks at the same time. I noticed today that my "stubble" is pretty much disappearing as well. I'm as bald as you can possibly get...which makes it awesome for shaving and plucking....it's just not happening....which makes morning time a whole lot quicker.

The girl has gotten used to me "bald" and will even enter the bathroom when I don't have a head dress on...she doesn't like it...but she'll come in...and then she'll ask if I'm "wearing my hair" on the way to school?!?

My patience has gotten a little short as of late...perhaps due to the crap that I'm going through...perhaps a little bit of pre-menopausal symptoms...my system is going through hell.

I'm on a steroid and therefore am eating lots.....of salad....and am shopping at health food stores alot.... I've also been reading a couple of incredibly interesting books on cancer, foods that fight cancer etc.....interesting stuff...makes ya kind of obsessive....makes me spend an awful lot on a papaya.

Well tonight's a different night....K's at a dance (yes, you heard me right), Al's at a movie, Ted's at work, the two older guys are on the couch watching the show down in the Middle East and me...well maybe I'll go and paint my toe nails.

See ya!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I have a diaper on my head

No seriously...I do. I got this amazing piece of cotton from my dad's friend (who just went through ovarian cancer) who had it shipped over from Slovakia....it's soft and warm and just so cozy...and yeah....it's a cloth diaper.

Yesterday and today could have been better....my throat feels like it's been clawed to the raw. Apparently something's going around and hello...whatever is out there, I'm going to catch....which I did....and so now I can't swallow....or talk. The other bad thing about 'being me" right now are the sores in my hairless nose....I wake up every morning to nose bleeds and pain....oh what fun I'm having!!

I'm also starting to look like your typical "cancer victim"....pale and dark circles under the eyes....not to mention all the sympathy looks I'm getting from people if I venture out with only my diaper....and the questionable looks I get from people when I wear my wig.

Oh and on that note....I head down to the post office today and an acquaintenance walks out as I'm walking in....I say cheerily "hey, how are you doing?"....she responds with the same but clearly has no idea who the heck I am....it might have something to do with the fact that the last time she say me (two weeks ago) I had super short hair....today I had "sexy hair". Regardless....I know she went back to her car *scratching her head*.

The husband has a cold.....enough said.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Time is ticking a little faster

It's funny you know....Tony and I were commenting on how long it seemed to take between the first and second treatments and yet....it's already been almost a week already...which means only two to go. And because today I'm feeling pretty cruddy...I'm really wishing that time would slow down a bit.

Yeah...after my "I'm feeling great" speech yesterday I woke up at 5:30 only to be in a cold sweat, vomiting with "bone pain"...which I've been suffering with all day. I knew it was coming...I thought first time round that it was something else but now that the pain has hit again....I'm very well aware that it's a result of the white blood cell booster shot. And I'm feeling just a little sorry for myself today...but that quickly changed after I saw Roger Ebert on Entertainment Tonight...

My defences are weakening and my overall state is a little more fragile....but I'm trying to carry on as best as I can. My girl is still taking this whole thing the hardest and will barely tolerate having me out of her sight just for the school hours... I have sores in my nose and taste blood whenever I sneeze, I ache when I sit stand or walk and my stomach is so full of air that I feel as though I've eaten 50 lbs of hot dogs....and this too shall pass....just not tonight.

In another day or two I'll be feeling stronger again, the aches will be disappear and the remainder of my stubble will fall out....leaving me a little more pale and darker circles under my eyes. And for this reason I wonder why we (as women) go to so much effort to "try and look good" while we go through this crap. I guess it's to make us feel better...which it does....but it's amazing how quickly that vibrant healthy person we once saw disappears when doused in poison upon poison.

I was going to go to yoga tonight...that was my plan....plans change...quickly....I'll strive for Tuesday at this point....tonight I just want to curl up on the couch and forget my woes....not that mine are so great....they are to me, but in the overall scheme of things....they're nothing.

And with all that moping I still hold fast to the following:

"I have two options...one of which is not even a consideration"....I will get through this and kick it in the ass!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

What are nose hairs good for?

....cuz I don't have any.

Yup...my hair started to fall out last Thursday (three weeks to the day of my first chemo)...am I repeating myself? *sheesh*...I can't even remember when the last time I was on this thing... Anyways...I went to blow my nose yesterday and noticed that I had my daily blood volume seeping out....so I looked...and lo and behold there are no nose hairs!!

Other than that really exciting news....my second chemo treatment probably went better than my first....although I am struggling with some abdominal pain at present...it's no where near as it was the first time around. I had fever, I had tiredness and the only other thing I've noticed different is a bit of "bone pain" in my legs this time round...but no where near any reason to start downing the meds I have for this said "bone pain".

Life is going on...I have my treatment, I lose more hair, I sleep a little more, I take a little Tylenol, I get back to work, I get back to myself and then I get hit again. But really....so far so good. I even washed "my hair" today...now that was wierd because it wasn't on my head...there is no hair on my head (just as there clearly isn't in my nose)...so yeah...that was wierd...but my wig got a wash and she's setting now...just had to make sure the "part" was on the right side...because it wasn't at first.

Today was also "one of those days"....I'm dealing with this whole situation really well...I think...but then every once in a while a day will come along and someone (or a couple of people) will send me an e-mail and I'll start to sob...or I'll hear a song and I'll start to feel sorry for myself. I really don't want that...but there are times. Today was one of those days...tomorrow will be better.

Tomorrow I'm going for sushi!

Hopefully tomorrow my period will stop after 8 days too!

One can hope!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Ready for Round Two

I've lost my voice
I've lost my hair
I love my wig but
I'd rather go bare

Did I mention my head gets cold?

My "chemo bag" is all set...word search, iPod, book and snacks...I'm good to go. And yet...I'm so not.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Yes Erik.....

.....you can call me "baldy"! ;o)

And while I haven't had the guts yet to look at myself in the mirror...I am diggin the wig.

I have to say...it's kinda strange when I get an itch and I end up with a hair net thingy in the way.....

Thursday, January 13, 2011

It was inevitable

Today marks three weeks to the day that I first started chemo. It also means that Christmas was only three weeks ago and we have a year, less three weeks till next Christmas. But today also marks the day my hair started to fall out.

This morning I got up just like any other morning....tired....and had my shower. As I pulled the comb through my short short hair, I noticed the teeth on the comb were filled with an unusual amount of hair. I then went to put some mousse in my hair and noticed as I ran my hands through....that my hands came back covered in hair. As it is now....I can grab hold of a bunch of my hair and without so much as a pull end up with a good handful. It`s begun....and it`s kinda sad.

I went out to a wig store and made sure I had `wig tape` to help hold the prosthetic in place (is it correct to call it that?).

On a side note....I love my boy Al (I love them all but...) kid is a computer genius and figured out how to fix my keyboard on this new netbook...love him!!

Anyways...today marks a day to remember and while I've been incredibly good this week...I'm going to have me a glass (or two) of wine....probably not the best thing when you have cancer but hey....it's my t.v. night, it's our traditional "wine night" and hell....I'm losing my hair night!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Feeling.....

....kinda yucky today.

Allergies kicked in big time.
My tongue hurts.
My throat feels funny.
Been feeling chilly.
Tired...as always as of late.
Feeling blahze today.

Sooooo.....glad it's snowing buckets....I'm looking forward to staying home tomorrow.

Round #2 coming up on Monday....gotta remember to make sure I have all my meds.

Did I mention it's snowing?...lots.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Yum....

I have kapusta in the oven...the house smells amazing...we still have an another hour of cooking...I'm ready for bed...but not before I devour the pot!...not "that pot"...sillies...

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Hair Growth

So I noticed today that while my hair hasn't fallen out yet....it hasn't grown either....haven't had to shave my legs in 2 weeks....hmmmm....chemo....we could be on to something?!?!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Today's conversation went like this....

Her: "Oh wow...you've got guts!"
Me: "No...I have cancer."
Her: *shocked* "Oh....I'm so sorry."
Me: "Oh don't be....I have a beautiful wig."

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

What would you do?

What would you do if a friend you know...not terribly well but well enough....came to your front door and asked you to "come outside" because "she had something" for you? She says that this will take your friendship to another level....???? And then hands you a baggie with some pot and a little pipe and says...."it's for the days when the nausea hits you bad". Not that this has happened....just being hypothetical.

Things I've noticed....

....since my first chemo treatment.

I'm breaking out more
The skin on my head is sore
I have to drink cranberry juice
I'm ready for a nap around dinner time
My allergies have sparked up
I have sores in my nose
I blow blood
I'm grumpy "today"
I'm always cold
I'm not liking too much noise
I'm not much into talking right now

I do it just for the reaction....

So today was the kids' first day back at school since before Christmas. Most of my friends had already seen me with my short hair but obviously there were plenty of parents that had not. As I walked toward one of the moms the conversation went like this....

Me: "Hey M....Happy New Year"
Her: "Hey L....Happy New Year to you too!!....wow look at your hair!"
Me: "Yeah, it's pretty short"
Her: "It looks great but what on earth possessed you to chop it all off?"
Me: "Oh I kinda had to"
Her: "Oh...really?"
Me: "Yeah...before the inevitable"
Her: "Oh....really?"
Me: "Yeah....I have cancer"
Her: *blink blink* "Ohhhhh....really? Oh wow....I'm so sorry"
Me: "Oh it's okay....I've got a great wig"

Sunday, January 2, 2011

14 days

In exactly 14 days I will be undergoing my second (of 5) chemo treatments (sorry D....only the first one was on a Friday....the rest are all on a Monday). My oncologist/family friend called me to ask how chemo was treating me....who does that?!?! I am an incredibly lucky girl.

My boob has finally lost it's swelling and is now showing it's "true colors"...ie....it is now smaller than my "normal" boob....but I can't complain....I still have "two boobs"....just one is a little indented.

I have two weeks to get a bunch of work done....so that I can rot in bed with my "netbook"...which I haven't yet got because....the city is sold out of them!!!

I'm returning to work (clients) tomorrow....it's going to be a long day...but not before a breakfast date with a client/old friend of mine....

My husband returns to work on Tuesday....I'm so going to miss him....I have loved him being home with me....he's still in sympathy mode.

We had Chinese food tonight...just lettin' ya know.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

I forgot what I wanted to write.....

.....oh yeah...cancer sucks...I'm gonna kick this one in the ass and.....

...I had a great day!

Phone Call

How many of your oncologists call you on a Saturday night to see how you're doing and how chemo is treating you???