Friday, December 6, 2013

I'm really beginning to think that God might want me to do something with this.....

Tony and I decided to add our names to helping out with Christmas Hampers through our church.  Tony, in light of all he/we've gone through has been very generous as of late and wanted to help a larger family with at least 2 children.  Well, we finally got the e-mail yesterday, letting us know who was chosen for us.  As I read the e-mail right around supper time, I began to weep.

We were given a younger couple, with no children.  The wife has been battling cancer for the past year and has not been able to work.  They're in a bit of financial hardship as the husband needs to help with her care. Of everyone they could have chosen they picked this couple for us....I don't think it was coincidence.

I'm trying to hear the voice.....I think it's becoming more and more audible.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Friday, September 27, 2013

......

...I have no words to describe what has happened in the past 72 hours.....I have nothing to say except "Amen"....the love of my life is back home with me.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Grateful...

Just so very grateful to be home...together.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Did I mention?

....it's not nice to swear but.....

.....this is so fucking not fair.....

But there is a plan.......I do believe....

For now.......heart wrenching...

I need to get back to this space.....

....life has been tough...today was especially tough but I was glad to have been there for the hubs.  I have never seen anyone in more pain than he was today....incredibly emotional day today....  He should have been home yesterday....blood and blood clots have prevented that.  The second collection of blood clots today scared both he and I to the ends...not a good experience....makes me miss him even more that he is still 55 kms away.....nurses don't always catch "everything"....we have learned.

I miss him so much....

Saturday, September 7, 2013

The Cancer Book

There's a story I want to share....the front page starts with a photo of a cheap note book, titled "Fuck you, cancer"....and then below the book it says "No, seriously.  Fuck you."  This is not my story but very much my story....I did not originally write it, but I should/could have.  Here goes....

"I was told to buy a notebook to keep track of all the important information I would be getting regarding Rod's cancer. Rod's cancer. After being married for a long time there aren't many things that belong to one or the other of us.  This would sometimes annoy me.

I would say something about using Rod's car and he would correct me that it wasn't his car but our car and that he just happens to drive it more often.  I tell him people need their own things.  I tell him we are too close and should have more friends.

Rod's cancer is in his body but it belongs to us both.  There is not one second that I am not thinking of it and choking from the fear of it.  He takes a pain pill and I take something for stress.  We take turns getting up throughout the night.

This is the sickness in "sickness and health."  This is the worse in "for better or worse."  This is the "til death do us part" and neither of us are prepared to part.  There is still too much to do.  And I don't want to do any of it without him. 

I went to buy the "cancer book" because I will be in charge of keeping track of things.  It is good that I write things down since I am unable to remember anything and the details and appointments keep coming.  My brain is Jell-O,  I shake and can pass out at any moment.  Every doctor visit leaves me weaker and less helpful.  I thought I'd be stronger.  I have to get my shit together.

Too many days had passed and I had notes written everywhere.  Had to get the cancer book.  I walked over to the dollar store - the fake dollar store that really charges more than a dollar - and browsed through all the notebooks.  There were some pretty ones with colorful designs.  I stared for several minutes at one that said, "Be happy" on the cover and thought if I get that it would show the doctors that I had an upbeat, psotive attitude.  Maybe I wanted to prove to the cancer that I was being positive and it would retreat a little.  Then I passed on that one and looked at the cute polka dotted ones.  Who doesn't love polka dots?  I like them!  Cancer would hate polka dots.  Cancer is dark and ugly so polka dots would just make it made and wel....you see where I was going and then I just got hysterical and grabbed a blue spiral notebook which ended up costing more money that I had on me so I didn't even buy it.

Having an anxiety attack in the fake dollar store is not strange when your husband has cancer.  I thought it was, but after speaking with others I hear it is pretty routine.

I have since purchased a plain black and white composition book as the cancer book and it is coming in very handy.  All of the appointments, doctor names and tests go in there.  It is becoming a very important book and it is helping keep me sane.  It cost $1 at the real dollar store.

It's Rod and Rochelle's cancer and I can't wait until we burn the fucker."

Sunday, September 1, 2013

i have faith but...

I am done..they say "God will only give that you can handle"....my shoulders are broken at this pointllll

Nothing goes as planned....

So what was supposed to be a 20-30 minute procedure turned into an hour and a half.....with the surgeon pulling me out into the hallway....to say to me "oh.....that was a tough one!"...2 out of 3 tumours removed....cancerous....I have never been more scared in my entire life....forget my cancer.....this is the love of my life.  A long day spent with him just to make sure he was comfortable...and then a quick nap at home only to ride back 50 kms only to see him still hooked up to the catheter....did I mentioned I love this guy? 

Tuesday rolls around only for our hot water tank to blow.....Tony does way too much despite my arguments.....he's paying for it  as we finally have a day of no blood.....

surgery #2 in 3 weeks...19th.  I have called my oncologist....he will ensure we are hooked up with the best bladder cancer specialist in B.C......it really is about who you know know.....I give thanks....  I just hope second time round isn't as traumatic as first time.....I can't bare to see this guy in so much pain!...

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Determination...

...if a young women can endure two double lung transplants and give birth to a 1 1/2 pound baby (who is doing very well).....I can endure Friday.


Monday, July 29, 2013

Never a dull moment in my life!

So here I am to write about my latest goings on...3 years (pretty close) to the day my cancer was growing..,,,my husband is diagnosed with bladder cancer !  Do we need anything else in this family?   Aren't we given only that which we can handle....well, I for one can't handle anything else!

I just told Teddy ( waiting until he wrote his second year final for the second time...he passed...hallelujah!).  The younger ones don't need to know until it's a necessity.

I'm freaking...this man is my everything!!  Like really both parents.....cancer sucks!

Anyways,of course we're praying for the best case scenario ....but regardless...it's going to be another big obstacle!

Certainly makes you appreciate each other more....and cuddling is always good!

Saturday, June 22, 2013

It took me 3 days to be able to sit down properly.....

"The Ride" was absolutely amazing!!!  240 kms of beautiful scenery, warm weather and great support along the way....not to mention a nice bottle of wine that went straight to my head after day one!!  Hey!...to be expected after burning 2,500 or so calories!  It was really nice of the organizers to throw in the hills on the last part of the second day!!  Still....managed to peddle up them!

With pit stops every 25 - 30 kms and a chance to hydrate and fuel up, there was no shortage of Gatorade, water and food.....oh and plentiful portable potties along the way!!  I will say however, that with only 6 kms to go on the first day.....I was really wanting it to be over.  "Hoochie Mama's" should not have to endure that kind of punishment for that long!!  The evening was full of ceremonies, marriage proposals, great food and lots and lots of good laughs...this after a nice hot shower in which I said to my teammate..."Did that much salt really just come off my face or was the shower water salty?"  Slept like I haven't slept in years...only to wake to a train going by at 4:30 am....but that was okay....half the riders were already out for the second day of grueling, rear punishing torture.

Sadly, there was a tragedy on the ride.....a young rider (16) was cycling for his uncle (a cancer survivor), his mother was also in the ride.  He went to pass a group of riders, clipped his wheel with another, lost his balance and fell.  Tragically a woman (going well below the speed limit because of the many cyclists) did not have a chance to stop and ran over the boy.  Our group of riders came upon the scene just as the emergency response was attempting cpr....the uncle was off to the side sobbing.  Very very sad turn of events for sure.  I'm glad that the organization is taking care of the family and any riders that need any kind of support.

On a lighter note.....got to the finish line by 2:30....couldn't see my beloved husband or daughter.  As we stood in line to get this photo taken, I called said beloved husband...."Where are you guys?"...."We just got here....parking the car".....what?!?!?!?....they missed seeing me finish by 5 minutes!!!!

The ride back in the car really made me appreciate the distance we rode on bikes....all 2,640 of us!!

Until next year......I'll keep pedaling for a great cause!!

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Everyday life....

....so my beloved first born did not pass second year.  Disappointed??...um Hell yeah...the husband especially he had total plans to sit down with his eldest for a beer...talk about the bike that he wanted and then go and buy it for him...not happening.  All things considering....Teddy had good marks...he failed with a 60% mark...for him...this is great...for BCIT....this 10% below passing. He has always struggled with math..not his fault.  And now....after a weekend of some "drowning in sorrow"...he's willing and ready to take the term over...starting Tuesday...gotta hand it to him....he feels shitty.

As a mom....I feel shitty for him....and I love him to the ends of this earth!

Saturday, May 18, 2013

There's just no justice.....

....my dear friend just diagnosed with colon cancer is fighting for her life in St. Paul's hospital. 

What the fuck....I was gonna write something "nice".  Fact of the matter it's not...it's affecting her colon, her liver, her ovaries and her abdominal wall....she's 40.  It was Halloween night when I told her of my diagnosis....I couldn't bear to lose her....

I hate hate hate this fucking disease!!!

The only time I'll use the word "hate'.

Friday, May 10, 2013

I don't think I can take another punch to the gutt

.....so today I'm working away trying to get some entries done when I hear the door-bell...."ahhh Grandpa will get it....." and he does.  Next thing I hear...."hello?...hello?"  I stop what I'm doing and open my office door...."hey ... how are you doing?...what are you doing here?"

"Well I got my test results back"....."colonoscopy"

I started to cry...I knew right away....her father died of colon cancer 2 years ago.

My dear friend was diagnosed with colon cancer a week ago....she's younger than I, has two younger children 12/7....this one has hit me really really hard.  To boot my markers have gone up....so it's not helping.  I'm so sick and tired of this fucking disease...there's no justice when it comes to cancer.  It sees that all my friends now have the disease....I'm done with this shit....just want to live a life without it...not possible...I know.

So I make the best of it and I tell my friends to do the same...easier said than done.  Fucking disease robs us of our dignity, humility and our body parts....and sadly...at times our lives....

I'm not giving up...and I'm going to make damn well sure that those around me don't as well.....

Now if only I could get my husband to get and get his nads checked!!!!

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Every once in a while......

....it still hits me and scares me just a little.

I think I've put up a pretty damn good fight to date but every one in a while...I'm terrified about what the next follow-up will bring forward.  Feeling good, keeping the weight...even though I'm trying to lose some!....obviously if I'm able to do the mileage I do...I should be semi-healthy!?!  But I guess it's during those long (alone) rides that the mind goes into full swing....heck today....I was riding and remembered that I forgot to get Teddy the "spits" he asked for....two weeks ago!  So alot of thoughts go through my mind in my many km rides..some good, some make me smile, some make me go "gasp" and some make me a little sad.  The main thing is that I'm here, I've made it thus far and I'm spinning those two wheels...and using alot of "udder butter"!...lol

I thought as the kids got older....life would slow down a little more.....

Ha!!!  Was I ever wrong!!

And I worry more about the kids now then I did when they were falling over their feet smacking into the corner of a marble fireplace ledge!!

A rundown of where the kids are at nowadays....I really don't have any time other than for training, cooking, cleaning, driving and of course...working....because I wouldn't be able to do any of the above with some cashola in the pocket.....where it doesn't stay for very long!

The youngest:

She'll be turning 12 this June but hasn't managed to turn into the snotty little self centered girl that most of her school-mates have turned into...not yet.  She's still my little girl and she's in no rush to turn into a teenager just yet.  She is having a great time with her jazz solo performances and this weekend (4 days of it) performing as "Sprigget" in a Robin Hood play that she's involved with.  I don't know where she gets the guts to do this stuff in front of audiences but..."kudos" to her!!  I'll be spending Thursday and Friday helping out with driving and back-stage.  The hubs and I get to "enjoy the show" on Sunday.

The middle child:

He just turned 16 in March and has managed to beat his older brother in getting his learners permit to drive....so far so good.  It took 2 years for me to let my oldest drive "my car"...so the middle one will have to wait a bit longer....Grandpa's Honda Civic works just fine for now.  Anyways...poor kid suffers from migraines and eczema.  It's the migraines that are becoming a nuisance.....missing way too much school....stayed home yesterday and today staying in bed until 2 pm....we're off to the doctors...again...tomorrow.

The oldest:

Ah my first born....and my biggest concern at this point.  He's currently in second year electrical apprenticeship at BC%IT....and hopefully passing...with a new road bike (from dad) as an incentive to "get through this year"...it's apparently the toughest of the 4.  He's back to work in 2 1/2 weeks.  Mom does too much for him and she knows it....and kicks herself for it but....she is "mom".  He continues to love and take care of his 2007 Ranger pick-up and is clean cut and loves to "trail run".  He's really a very good kid (I need to stop calling him that...he'll be 20 in August.....that makes me "old")...perhaps a little "lazy" but then again...which of my kids isn't??....or anybody's kids?  My issue with him is....spending $134.00 at He9p H2mp H$$ray....and withdrawing $100 cash x 2...for what?  No please...don't answer.  See I don't have a problem with him smoking weed...heck...BC has some of the finest....and I was no different at that age...wait...no....I was younger....and neither was his father (actually when he thinks of what he did at that age....he's deeply concerned for his son)....my concern is that he tries something harder....and then we take off, end up living on the streets of Main and Hastings, dancing half naked, slamming on "regular folk" car hoods because "the car" got in the way!

Parenting is hard....I'll keep on 'em.

Weather has warmed up and should be going up to 23 C this weekend....planning on a good ride tomorrow and an even better one on the weekend...in between all the other things I do.  I think it's a KFC dinner night tomorrow.

The hubs surprised me with a new floor pump for my/our bike(s)...oh the things that excite me in my age....


Sunday, April 28, 2013

Letting go...

...when you realize that your kid doesn't need you anymore.

sucks the cattles' udders...and makes me cry....

why have children?

Saturday, March 23, 2013

New Appreciation

I have a new appreciation for "udder butter"...lol....and a good glass of wine after a 50 km ride!!

Here's a great cruising song....


Monday, March 18, 2013

I have a sickness...

I'm at the dinner table looking through a cook book when I see this....

My heart skips a beat..

And then I ask myself.....have I become "obsessed"??

Sunday, March 17, 2013

42 km and Strava

I can barely keep my eyes open at this point....it was a fantabulous weekend!  Lunch with my sister-in-law and good friend on Friday, spoiled rotten on Saturday and a yummy birthday dinner out with the hubs on Saturday....to end off the weekend with a 42 km ride out on Sunday...my cheeks are still burning!...I mean the ones on my face!

46 and 1 day older and I did the longest ride yet.  I hired my dad to be my "spot"...lol...so it was funny having the same car pass me every few kms...just to make sure I wasn't kissing the pavement again, along the way.  1/3 way through the ride I thought to myself "this is insane...there's no fucking way I can do this ride today"...I was ready to stop and tell my dad we'll cut it short and turn around....I was even more ready to tell him...."let's put the bike in the back of the car and we'll drive back".  But no....my stubborn sorry ass decided I was going to do it.  I had to prove to myself that I could finish what I set out to do....just like kicking the "C" thing to the curb!  And I did it...42 km!..in 2 1/2 hours (not that it was a race).

I've joined a new "club"...us "bikers"...we do the head nod as we pass each other...we're considerate of our space...it's pretty cool! 

I went out and purchased rain pants today...as well as "arm warmers"...I'm pretty decked out now...just need the little booties!

The boys (Teddy and Aleks) went out and bought me a waterproof/shockproof (we all know I need that) iPhone cover and bike mount....Aleks went ahead and downloaded the "Strava" app....I so totally know what this is all about now Erik!!!  What a fantastic app!!  Mapped my route today, gave me my distance and I've now formulated it so that next time...it will give me calories burned!!...and that's on the "free app"!...gee I wonder what paying $60/year would give me!

Well that's it for now....I'm done...this chick is going to sleep particularly well tonight!

Saturday, March 9, 2013

It had to happen.....

.....

So I finally decided I was "ready" for my clip shoes....for my bike ride.  The day was gorgeous....work was slow(ish) and I decided to take advantage of it.  The ride was beautiful...for the most part.  I guess I was at about 18 km when I clipped my right foot out, placed it on the curb, tapped the pedestrian cross button and then seemed to veer to the left...uncontrollably....I tried to get my left foot out of the clip but it wouldn't budge.  Within seconds I was on the pavement, with 13 lanes of traffic staring at me.  I quickly got myself back up and waved "I'm ok"...as though anyone gave a poop?!  Managed to ride the last 6 km home...only to find my leg had been bleeding the whole time.

So here I am....black and blue on my left rear cheek, knee, hip and elbow....gash to my right leg (peddle)....not so sure about those clip shoes.....

Still...it was a good ride...for the most part....


Monday, February 18, 2013

I don't want to be a hero....

I'm not a hero

Not sure if this is working but.....so many people tell me what an inspiration I am...that I get them to "fight the fight"...that they're inspired etc.....my husband says he's "proud"....I didn't do anything....I got sick....I fought it...I'm here...for my kids....my love....for my friends...to show them that it's possible to kick this nasty to the curb.  But what you don't know....is.....I'm crying...right at this moment....for what I've gone through, for those I've met, I've befriended, I've lost, those fighting now....you can't imagine how many friends I've made through this whole ordeal.  For my uncle...in hospice...diagnosed only a few weeks ago....done.  For the mother of 2 small children (younger than me) who passed away and I shared chemo treatments with...for "O" who was re-diagnosed when I was going through chemo and is doing the ride with me...

I put up a strong front but....every day is a fight....just to stay strong and hope and pray that this does not return.....I look at my beautiful children and there's just no way I'm ready to leave them yet....I don't think I ever will be but....definitely not yet.

It's hard work...I'll be here in June....hopefully I'll be here in December...hopefully I'll get to attend 3 beautiful weddings!.....hopefully even my 50th anniversary...see once you get this demon...it never really, really leaves you.

I think I just need a really good cry...if I remember correctly I cried when I was first told...but that's it...I'm a strong bitch...I think....but I have y soft side.....right now I'm folding.

lol...me...at my finest!

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Butt Break

I gave my butt a break today...in fact..I gave myself a break today....I think "she" needed it!

But I am so itching to get on the roads....love, love, love my new babe!

Friday, February 15, 2013

Every once in a while....

....I go back to this blog..... http://jlunot.blogspot.ca/2011/12/i-will-post-soon-im-doing-fine-just.html#comment-form

Not sure what I'm looking for...she's been gone a year now....perhaps just hopeful.  It's good to have hope!

Knucklehead

Ha!!...just proves it's been way too long and I'm way older.....turns out I just didn't know how to "shift"....whatever happened to those little levers we had???

I get it now!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

My little "Hurka"...pronouced "Hooorrrrka"...needs a little adjustment.

Took her for a spin...dropped her down to the lowest gear and then couldn't do anything else.  She just needs an adjustment...or a kick in the ass...lol.....tomorrow....she travels with me and we pick up my wind trainer....and then get right back in the saddle.

Today was a poopy day.....back is sore...probably from sweating on the weekend and catching a draft!  As well...I had to go by one of my "main" clients today...we were broken into last night.  Some idiot decided to take a fire extinguisher and break through our glass door.....took a nice 52" tv and CPU....freaking idiot.  In the heart of downtown....how do you not see a freak with a cpu in his backpack and a tv on a broken wall mount under his arm pit......what the heck is this world coming to?!?!.....no....don't answer!?

Saturday, February 9, 2013

This would be me......

...and my new found love!

My new best friend

....here she is....


I was sensible...I went with an aluminum frame with some carbon....totally saved on the cost which  was a little more realistic for our budget...which also allowed me to purchase a tripdometer, Sugoi shorts, Shimano shoes, water bottle holders and a helmet..all for what I was going to pay for a bike alone!  I am totally in love with this baby and just need to come with a name for her....my husband chose "Hurka"...it's a type of sausage in Hungarian/Slovak...soooo yummy!!  Love the name...just not so sure it sits well with it being a name for a bike.

It was too funny because the guy in the bike shop says to me..."ok, zip up your vest, I'll get you a helmet and we'll take it for a test ride"...I'm like...."yeah....no....this is downtown and it's been 19 years since I've been on a "moving" bike!"...."oh you'll be fine!"  I'm happy report...a little shaky but I did not fall off and quickly got used to my new baby...now I'm itching just to get back on her!!!!

Erik....you'll be happy to know that I didn't spend nearly what I had originally set out to....and I"m really happy about that...so's the hubs!!! ;o)  And I'm still thrilled!!


Friday, February 1, 2013

At the finish line....

....I wish share something important...you'll just have to wait....trust me...it's a big one!

Training is up and running...

...I plan on taking the pooch for a good walk tomorrow morning!...I haven't actually measured but it's about 7 km....and a good portion is a nice steep hill...perhaps I might provide pics tomorrow...that is...if I make it! :o)

I have settled....

...this will be my baby soon!

http://www.specialized.com/ca/en/bikes/road/ruby/rubyelitecompact

Ain't she purdy?  No seriously...recommended and "price dropped" for me...I'm getting this baby through an accounting client of mine...yay!

Monday, January 28, 2013

Having a hard time with this

So my uncle who didn't come to see me when I visited in 1986, but who visited here in 2009 and 2010 has a profound influence on me...is dying.....  In December he had to have a kidney removed..apparently "not a big deal"...today he's in hospice and I'm having a hard time with it.  He was soooo full of energy and life...he gave his all.....he made up for not seeing me in 1986.....and now....he's almost gone.  Again, this "ride" is for him, me and all my cancer buddies...I really really hate this disease!

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Narrowing it down

http://www.specialized.com/us/en/bikes/road/ruby

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Questions for my California bud Erik!

So I've looked at a lovely Trek bike ($2,900), a gorgeous Argon (full carbon $2,700) and a very lovely Giant Avail Composite 3 (full carbon $1,700)....I have one more shop to check out...what do you think so far?  I'm definitely smitten on the $2,900 Trek, but....it's at Cap's and they're a large chain bike shop...I'd rather  support the smaller shops!  I just don't think I need to spend over 2 grand!!?!?  What's your opinion re:  carbon over aluminum?

I'd rather put the money towards a really good frame, shorts, shoes and all the other accessories...including a wind trainer!

Help!?!?

Monday, January 21, 2013

I said "tomorrow"....

,,,,,and I don't remember what that was about...I guess it was about the ride?!?  I went to another "independent bike store"...I refuse to support the huge chains....and I found another bike I fell in love with...it was cheaper..by $200...what can I say...I have expensive taste!!  It was a full carbon, Argon..more than  I need...but oh so nice!

On a different note........13 miles, 55 minutes.....numb ass...feels so good!

Friday, January 18, 2013

Excited

..willl fill you in more tomorrow...

Friday, January 11, 2013

The bike of my choice.....



To date I've raised $900...in 48 hours....rock on !

Hmmm....

....my emotions are everywhere!  soooo nervous about doing the ride...sooooo excited to do the ride!!!  I was just joking with the hubs and said..."yeah I can just see it.....you'll be there to greet me at the finish and I'll show up with a broken bike, a broken arm and road rash all over my legs...."...too funny!!  But no....gues what folks!?!?!...as a "survivor" I get to have one of those little flaggies attached to my bike....oh shit...I'm going to be a blubbering mess....thanks cancer...thanks Tamoxifen...you both suck!!

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Doing the ride...

I don't think the husband has quite settled with this new fact but...I have....160 km....June....from Vancouver to Seattle...and I've settled on a bike...even it's a little more than what the hubs has "settled" on ...hey it's my butt on there for a good 10 hours!!!  I'm doing this for all those that I've met, those I've lost, those I'll meet and those going through this crap...I'm doing this for the Odette's, the Jackie's, the Monica's...I'm doing this for me and my beautiful children...and wonderful husband.

Life is good...life is very good.