Sunday, October 31, 2010

And on a totally different note.....

......my gosh Halloween turned out to be great!!!

Seriously...the rain pelted all last night. Today the skies were full of clouds and blue sky.... Decorations were set out and carved pumpkins were lit....we got rid of a whole bowl of candy and the kids got to enjoy trick or treating, harassing the neighborhood and blowing off illegal fireworks before the rain set-in..literally 10 minutes before they all arrived back home.

I loved the fact that I did not work this weekend....at all.....I even cleaned the toilets....which I'm seriously considering hiring a cleaner during any treatment that I might have to have.

Tomorrow I'm off to work....which will not be rushed and I will enjoy....in my heated bucket seats, my girl has photo retakes in her new outfit.....can you believe that Teddy has his grad photos taken next week?.....shnizen....I just hope he graduates!?!?!

Oh and Tony...spent the entire afternoon (and bless his heart....the guy wants to go everywhere with me now...funny how it takes something like this....xo) cleaning out the shed whereby it was infested by rodents who were eating the rotten potatoes (that I forgot about) and literally....there was shit (rodent/squirrel) everywhere!!! He killed 3 mice.....gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well at least my shed is clean!

I should be in bed....

....but I don't feel like sleeping....and I suspect I'll have many nights like this.

Tony told Teddy last night....I didn't want the kids to know but in the end...it's probably a good thing that Teddy does....definitely not a good thing that Krystina does....not now...maybe not ever.... He's being very good about it all...asking me questions and giving me kisses....oh what we do to get those little pecks on the cheek!?

So now my family and friends all know....they're all being incredibly awesome about it all. I'm still really trying to get my shit together and move forward....hello....I have "cancer"...fuck me. Ok that's a little harsh but I just want to hit something or scream or...something......it just all seems so incredibly surreal. Okay...now that I've that out....we'll move forward.

My decision now is....do I settle with a "lumpectomy"?...or do I just have the whole darn thing removed and then....do I have them both removed? lol....funny thing is they say that if you breast feed your children you're much less likely to get breast cancer....um hello....I had Teddy for 4 months, Aleks for 12 and Krystina for 13 1/2!!!....so much for that. I'm thinking just get rid of both of them and if I choose....I can always get "better and bigger" down the road.

This all has to do with the fact that I was talking vanity by saying that my boobs had finally "bounced back" (since having children) and that my hair has finally gotten to a length and thickness that I'm happy with...since my teen years. See people...."vanity"....does no darn good!

I'm jumping the gun I know.....I'm definitely having surgery...in the next few weeks....I'm definitely having a radioactive (or something like that) dye shot through my veins to see if this bitch has gone further than my left breast.....the chemo and radiation is still up in the air.

I'll tell ya one thing though.....this is another kick in the ass to take my vitamins (yes, I know Erik... ;o) ), not stress so much, slow life down, enjoy each moment, exercise and lay off the wine! Sometimes this is what it takes.....so sad though.

It's like a fly that you just want gone....

....*swat*....be gone I say!

The shock has worn off....

....I just wish I felt like eating.

Today I went into Safeway to get some groceries and there it was as I walked in....a table all set up for "Breast Cancer Awareness".....somebody....get me a box of Kleenex I can just walk around with! Good grief...talk about being totally "emotional" today....I'm not used to this.

I'm going to get through this...it's going to be tough....but I have so many good friends and family and I know one of the best cancer specialists' in the country...not to mention my incredibly supportive husband (who truth be told....might be taking this even harder than I). The best part though....is that Tony said "when" this is all said and done....he's taking me to the Wickanninish Inn in Tofino for a weekend of much pampering and relaxation! Hell....I might even consider taking a small Sesna and flying over..... I know!!!!!!!!!!.....don't choke on your coke!

Letter to an inspiration

Hello Deborah,

I first came across your flickr photos through another contact of mine and fell instantly in love with what you've done....if I remember correctly it was the blue gloved hand, holding the green apple that I first saw. Since then I've lurked on around on your blog....and was saddened but inspired when you were told you had breast cancer....I loved your attitude through your ordeal.

Well....on Saturday, September 11, 2010....I was in the shower when I discovered a lump in my left breast. I remember looking up at the ceiling and saying..."damn it". I made a doctor's appointment for that following Tuesday and was heading off to an earlier scheduled (my annual was to happen on October 26th) mammogram....whereby they took 9 photos (only two of my right). Two weeks (last Tuesday) after that...I'm scheduled for a core biopsy....last Friday I was called back into my doctor's office. I have Ductal Carcinoma.

Friday I cried.
Saturday I walked around stunned and fought back the urge to hurl.
Sunday I'm learning to deal with it and am finding much inspiration going back and re-reading your story.
Tomorrow I find out when I meet with the surgeon.

I have three children, 9 year old girl, 13 year old boy, 17 year old boy, my beloved husband, my disabled dad who lives with us and an 89 year old father-in-law in hospital and I just keep thinking....I can't possibly be going through this....who's going to take care of these people? Truth be told....my life has been going "fast forward" for years and I think this is the kick in the ass that I'm getting to finally slow down and "take care of me". I know the survival rate of this type of cancer is high....but I'm so scared....my husband, I can see....is terrified.

So long story short....I find much comfort in reading your story and wanted you to know that you are an inspiration! I'm going to kick this in the ass....and I'm going to see all three of my children graduate (Teddy...my eldest is graduating in 2011).

Sincerely and with kindest regards,

L

Saturday, October 30, 2010

I didn't want the kids to know....

....hmph...who am I kidding?! Obviously they're going to find out something is wrong.....

Tony told Teddy tonight....I wasn't prepared for that....although I knew as soon as Teddy came home from work and gave me a kiss on the cheek.....that's just not like him.

At this point I think Tony is taking it harder than I am....I just want the moments of wanting to hurl to stop.

I spoke to a family friend of ours (about my age as well) who was diagnosed with the exact same cancer earlier this year. She's just completed 5 of 6 chemo treatments and decided to have a mastectomy (prior to the chemo)....funny thing is....our lump(s) are/were in the same spot...just different boobs. The problem for her was the cancer was being very aggressive and was going into her lymph nodes so they had to remove 6 nodes....which she says was far more painful than having her breast removed. She lost her hair after 2 treatments and will be having radiation as well.

It's amazing to think that statistics show that 1 in 9 women will get this type of cancer and if you're going to get cancer...this is the one you want...apparently. This just makes me think that they're an awful lot of women here going through the same thing I am......

Personally.....I just want it out...I want the "monster cells" to be ripped out and thrown in the fire....and I hope it's really, really soon.

Friday, October 29, 2010

I have cancer.

Yes....I never thought in my entire life that I would have to say those words.

I had my biopsy on Tuesday and was told that the result would come in in 5 - 7 days...at the earliest....today was day 3. My doctor called and asked that I come in.

Basal duct carcinoma....apparently a very common form of breast cancer....but "cancer" nevertheless....I broke down.....but I getting myself back up. I'll be scheduled for a lumpectomy where they will proceed to inject a dye into my lymph nodes etc. to make sure that it hasn't gone elsewhere....this will be within the next week or two....I hope. So at this point I won't be losing a boob...just part of one. Whether chemo and/or radiation is in my future is still up in the air.....but I have cancer.....I don't care what kind/how common/how anything...it's still cancer.

So for tonight....I'm going to enjoy a couple glasses of wine and tomorrow.....I'm going to begin a bit of a "mountain to climb".

Am I scared?...shit yeah!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Can you see me glow?

The title says it all...19 mammograms in 2 months...if you need anything radiated....just throw it my way.

Well today is done.

It was definitely not as bad as I had expected but it wasn't a pleasant experience either. 10 mammograms, my breast fondled/handled by three different women...wait....that could be a good thing, right? 30 minutes with my boob squashed...freezings....a little slice and 10 "sample withdrawals"....not to mention to be left with a little titanium piece left in my boob...I'm done.

I'm left with a sore boob, blood that has oozed out of the gauze and a "waiting game"....

...I get the results in 7 - 10 days...this is what's going to kill me....but I made it this far......I can wait a little longer....."small victory"....I got through today.

Monday, October 25, 2010

So true!

IP said it best......it's always best to celebrate the little victories....really....so much to be thankful for.

Tomorrow's another day and I'm going to get through it (even though it is an early, early riser)....and I'll get through the waiting period....and I'll get through whatever is thrown my way....cuz I'm a fighter and I have a hell of a lot of work to do still.

Plus....what would my husband eat if anything were to happen to me?!?!?

p.s....did I tell you??? My daughter's first day of glasses went swimingly....definitely something to "celebrate"!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

One deaf ear

It really pisses me off when I finally get a chance to sit down at the laptop and do some "catch-up", perhaps even listen to some tunes and I'm forever sticking earphones in my ears where only one freaking ear works!!! So my right ear is full of tunes and the left gets it sporadically....so it pisses me to no end and I just take the ear-phones out and don't completely enjoy this "time to myself". *blah blah blah*

It's been a crazy weekend......

Today is the first day of the rest of my dear daughter's life....with glasses...she's beautiful....and the smile she had when she put those specs on at the optometrists'.......priceless......she can see!

Aleks has a migraine.

The hubs is not 100 per cent.

Teddy is flipping those pancakes and ignoring his homework...he's supposed to graduate this year....I paid for his cap and gown...and booked a "graduation photo session"....

I'm still scared....but not as much as I was earlier.....perhaps more now of the actual procedure than what the outcome might be. Well truth be told I'm sure I'll be in panic mode very soon....I just want it done.....and I just want to know that it's all okay. I couldn't bear to give my husband more grief than what he's/we're having to deal with right now with his dad....

I'm at my breaking point with everything.....but I will get through this week....I know I will....and I do have yoga to look forward to it.

Friday, October 22, 2010

No matter what...

...whatever you believe...we have one life on this earth.....and we have to grasp and enjoy each and every moment...

The plan....

....was to go and visit the fil tonight...Tony a little earlier to get some old WWII info out of him and then I'd come in.....we'd have some "quality time" and then Tony and I would head off to dinner (something that rarely happens) to the local Cactus Club.

He called me about 5 minutes into the visit...."don't bother...he's nuts".

My fil is clearly possessed or something bad is happening to him.....he's clearer than he's been in months, no stuttering, crisp in the eye contact and yet.....he's swearing and yelling and saying Tony (and the rest of the family...including me) are against him that we're conspiring against him.....that we want him dead....it's uglier than I can even get into....they called a psych doctor...he doesn't want to eat or take his meds....he thinks everyone is out to "get him"......

*sigh*....lol....we're only "given what we can take"...right?....I cant' take any more...

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

On having my breast squashed....

....so I get a call today from BC Women's....routine questions...are you allergic to anything ie. bandages, latex etc.....are you taking any blood thinners, vitamin E?....just simple stuff...then she proceeded to go through the "routine" I'll be facing on Tuesday....and mind you people...I've cut myself off of coffee...so I'm sporting a hell of a "caffeine withdrawal headache" today....and really not thinking clearly at all...anyways.....

I'm to arrive 20 minutes prior to fill out the typical paperwork and get into some really fashionable dress.....they will then have me "comfortably" lay on a table (on my left side) and proceed to squash my boob in a machine...for which I will not be able to move...for 30 minutes...minimum. Once they have the picture/angle they want....they will proceed to "freeze" my boob...with needles..many of them...then a small incision (very small) will be made where yet another needle will go in and start extracting cells from my "lump". Once they are finished with that...they will drop a little titanium bit in my boob...which will stay there forever (to mark "the spot")....I will then get a small suture and and ice pack to put in my bra.

Results in 5 - 7 days....oh the suspense is killing me!!!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

It's always about me...

...isn't it?....or so it sounds anyways....

I think I mentioned the whole "Acid Reflux" thing?? Well I've been taking "Tecta" for months now and for the last couple have doubled up on the chemicals. I still feel as though someone as thrown petroleum down my nasal cavity/esophagus and lit a match....it's incredibly painful. They said "give it time".....well when it hurts to breathe....I don't have much patience. My husband was kind enough to start doing research...you know...cuz I don't have the time. So he was told that I should load up on some "Gaviscon" as well as try some "Manuka Honey" (from New Zealand)...I'm giving them all a try! I have sores in my nose and I'm sure if I were to spit on the road, I'd leave a hole! I'm done....and I'm getting my boob squashed on Tuesday.....oh am I prepared for that!!!....not!

On a different note...my fil is doing sort of okay...well as much as the doctor's are telling us...although he was worried about not having any milk and/or money today....or clothes...but the fact that I was there....was better than having his own kids there...I know...sad...but this is what he said. They've moved him to the 6th floor...not sure why....he seemed to be picking up....but I can only hope to reach 88 1/2....he's done....and he's told me...time and time again...

Life is still incredibly "sandwichy"!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Life goes on.....

...today was a good day with a bad start.

I woke up not wanting to get out of bed....the bed was strangely more comfortable than any other day....I was alone.

I didn't know what to expect...yesterday was not a good scene.

I managed to concentrate on some work and then a trip to the hospital to meet with my husband to see how my fil was doing......expecting worse than yesterday........

As we rounded the corner I took a deep breath and.........

...saw my sil...she was smiling........

My fil was able to communicate today...mostly in Polish but......he was to talk to me....and his pee bag was beautifully full!

I'm not good with this stuff...I know it's a part of life but.....it's never easy and when I get into these situations...I tend to revert into a little shell.....people don't always get it.

But today ended off good...except for the fact that my little girl has a terrible cough and I'm thinking it's actually Bronchitis at this point....

9 days and counting....*sigh*

Hey...they're filming "Final Destination 5" mere feet from my home....watch it....just to see the cemetery where we let the dog fly!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Haven't been here for a little while...

....I don't even remember the last post that I wrote.....

I'm continuing to suffer with "GERD"...have been for 10 months now...what???.....I didn't mention this? I didn't want to burden you with more of my crap....but it's great fun!?!? I've been on meds for 4 months now and I live each day with intense burning in my esophegus (sp?) and nasal cavity....today I'm sure if I'd spit on concrete it would dissolve into nothingness.... yes....it's that bad....I'm surprised I still have teeth.

My fil is not doing so well....which is definitely adding to my acid issue....he's on the same floor as my mil was 10 years ago......I'm prepared...I think....I just don't want him to suffer......

It's sad that I don't have much positive to write about...even though there's so much positive in my life...really...there is.....my husband is the best....I don't know what I'd do without him...but then again....what the hell would he do without me?

And with that....let the bobcats, raccoons, bears, cougars and coyotes roam....I'm going to bed.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

"Four Eyes"

On a completely different note....I'm driving a little "piss pot" (as per my husband) and I'm only saying that because I'm so used to driving either a truck, a van or my Flexx....none of which are tiny?!?! My "beloved" has gone in to be repaired since her recent "bear attack"...lol....my courtesy car????....a Pontiac G6....which has obviously been totally "rat bagged", even in her only 49,000 kms....I cannot wait to get my beast back.

And as the title suggests....somebody is getting herself some glasses here....and no, it's not me....if I didn't have them already the streets would be an incredibly dangerous place to be! Little miss K had gone back to the optometrist today (as she's been unable to read the classroom black board)....she definitely needs glasses.....for the classroom. She has her heart fixed on some "Roxy's"...yeah well....we'll see the price on those....cuz I saw some "Ray Ban's" for kids and *hello*....$260.00 for a pair of kids' glasses....not likely!!!

So we've gone through tears, excitement, nervousness and more tears but....I think we're ready for them!

Sedation is not always a sedative

I didn't get a chance to go and visit with my fil today....of which of course....I feel guilty....through my piles of paper and miles of work I kept thinking of this thin, bruised, "almost" 89 year old man lying in a hospital bed in the middle of an incredibly busy (and noisy) e.r. My sil had gone out after work and promptly called me at just after 8ish....they sedated him. Understandably they need to keep him safe and because they don't have "one on one" care for him....they needed to give him a little "sleepy time". Well if you'd been with me with one of the initial hospitalizations...."sedations" don't "sedate" this ole timer....and so of course they had to strap him....bleeding because he'd already ripped the thin skin off of his elbows. He's utterly confused, yelling profanities and screaming at his daughter....he's not a sight to behold....just a confused, little, shrinking old man.....my heart breaks for him....he really won't be here much longer...whether it's 10 days or 10 years.....he's tormented and so very unhappy. Until then....he'll take a little part of all of us.

Monday, October 11, 2010

So seriously...when do I stop laughing?

Yesterday we/I decided to do a turkey dinner...just us...it was going to be good....it was going to happen before 8:00 p.m.!

Well at 11:30 a.m. we got a call that my fil had fallen and was being taken to RCH.....at 5:45 I checked on my turkey (which had been in the oven since 2:00 p.m.).....the oven broke.

Good grief......................................................................please someone...................shoot me!

Turns out it doesn't appear that my fil has broken a hip...but something else is going on...he's been in er at RCH now since noon yesterday...he's in good spirit's...thankfully....he always makes me tear up.

My oven is dead and it was a good thing that my neighbours' had already finished their turkey dinner....cuz we could finish our dinner...for the most part... she wasn't totally done...but good enough.

Today I went to work which seems to me my only "escape"....and I loved it as none of my client were around...a good time to turn up the internet radio and wallow in my "blessings"....of which I have many...

...even if I was major bitchy these last couple of days.......I'm settling now and appreciating my fil's comments....."I was thinking of you always when you drove those miles to your clients"....he really is a good man...his brain is just started to malfunction.

I'm still terrified.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Grumpy

I'm just in a pissy mood tonight...is that okay to admit?

I'm pissed that I feel sorry for myself.
I'm pissed that I feel that I get stuck doing all the crap work here.
I'm pissed that my home is not completely the way I wanted.
I'm pissed that I'm exhausted.
I'm pissed that the boys are so demanding....and yet they have no idea.
I'm pissed that I'm feeling sorry for myself even though I have it so good...right now.
I'm pissed at the husband for sitting in front of the computer while I change sheets on three beds....make a yummy dinner...do the laundry....clean-up....
I'm pissed that I have a date with "boob squasher".
I'm pissed that 90% of my thoughts involve my left boob.
I'm pissed that my fil raised his voice at me today.
I'm pissed that I have to fork over $300 for the damage the bear did.
I'm sad for my girl who has to live a life of glasses...of course which we have to fork over $$ for....
I'm pissed that it just never ends.....
I'm really pissed that I'm not being very optimistic here......and I'm sounding like a whiner....perhaps it's just "that time"....so I should just shut up and not be so hard on everyone....because life is the way it is right now.....and really....in the total scheme of things....
Life is good!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

One of those "spotted" posts

....well at least it's a post...right?

Been going through some questioning times...wanna make sure I'm where I want to be...no matter what happens.....

I have a "core biopsy" booked for 8 a.m. October 26th....a frozen boob and stuck in a mammogram with two more needles stuck in my boob for 30...yes, count them...30...minutes straight....it's no wonder women end up with their nipples down at their knees!

My daughter needs glasses.....she confessed in a tearful admission the other night..."mommy....I can't see the board".....we're off on Tuesday.

My uncle leaves tomorrow....after 4 1/2 weeks of a "surprise" visit.

I think my dog has bladder stones again....might explain the peeing on the carpet in the living room and Tony stepping in a puddle of urine just as he stepped out of the shower........more $$$$

My son is supposed to graduate this year....good grief....where the hell has the time gone....am I really 3 years older than my father was when he'd cruise up to the school to pick me up, the year that I graduated?

Am I really worrying about a lump in my breast?

Do I really have way too much work to do and am actually considering cutting back....my health is far too more important.

Did I manage to get away this past weekend and have a blast....and some awakening moments....and reconnecting moments.............

I'm grateful that I don't have to worry about a meal for 7 tomorrow...but....I will miss my uncle....he's a good person....and besides my husband and you guys....is the only other person who "knows"....I've become quite good at the Slovak language.

My car got a $800 dent...thanks to the local bears....darn things decided to come and attack our garbage...which attacked my door....good thing "comprehensive" is only $300....like I need anything else....except maybe a few more "Copic markers"?!?!? ;o)

Oh yeah...I started yoga...loving it...even though I can barely walk today.....it's the best thing...and don't worry....I'm not turning into a Hari Krishna....

Well that's it for now....I'm just glad that my laptop is back where it belongs....exactly where I don't want it to be....on the dining room table!