Sunday, December 30, 2012

My place

I need to get my rear back over here.....  life is about to change...for the much to say....goals to be met....friends to share with the the husband's been real good to me too!

Saturday, November 17, 2012

The end of your life... this is the book I've been reading off and on.....

"The end of your life" pretty much happened October 29th, 2010...the day I was told I had an agressive form of breast mark the 1 year "I'm fricken cancer free"....or is it that I'm in remission?...I'm not sure but I'm sure as heck happy that I'm here!!!! Since diagnoses there was shock and disbelief but I think back and I don't ever remember a moment where I thought "oh my gosh....I'm gonna die" no don't push me down that easily.

Today as I anxiously awaited my results (as I have 4 times this past year), my husband and I were at one of my clients, setting up a "spare office desk" laptop wouldn't results were "pending".....I was getting anxious.....then around 2 pm....I decided to check on my BB...of course I had to "zoom" in....holy ca 125's were better than last time (gotta be less than 26....mine were at 14...4 down from last time) ca 15-3's are staying the same as they have the last 3 quarters....I have so much to be thankful for.

And hello...I'm heading to Tofino in a week...

Friday, November 16, 2012

Just because there are things you cannot post on FB

I'm a very open kind of girl...I will talk about my cancer....I know plenty who shut right up but nope...that ain't me!  In fact I even make jokes about it..which shock people...which is why I make the jokes...I find the feedback kinda funny...ok a little sick.   But really...I like walking through a cloud of cigarette smoke (at the opening of a grocery store) only to be choked by the stench...and than able to verbalize..."hey dudes...I had cancer...get rid of that shit".

My husband is/has been very sympathetic but he's been telling me it's time to "stop'' talking about "it"....I told him...."I'm female....I need to talk" listen up folks!!  One day my voice may silenced but for's strong and loud!!!  I'm done with this cancer shit but it's part of my every waking fact it's part of my sleeping moment'll understand this IF you have to go through what I did (and I  am NOT asking for sympathy)...these are just my thoughts!!  Cancer daughter has a friend that was just diagnosed with Leukemia at age 11...forget us old farts...I just don't get the young ones getting it...

In any case...."cancer sucks" is part of my every day is part of me...forever and is me.....until the die...because you're always haunted with the fact that it could come back....

...but I'll put up a damn good fight..1st time, 2nd time and 7 x7'times   around!!!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

I should be in bed.....

...I hate these damn hot flashes....they're even worse when I'm under the gun (not literally of course)'s been a fricken crazy crazy week....the type that I said I would never have again since having had cancer....such an ugly word.  But here I am once again (and again....if you find a missing "m"'s this damn keyboard that's all gunked up with "stuff"!... I promised myself that I would take life slower...ha!

One of the companies that I work for is "public"...which means they get audited...alot....we've now just amalgamated and are going through an audit for our year-end AND....I'm heading off to Toronto for 2 weeks worth of training "shoved into 3 days"..tomorrow.  So being the good mother/wife that I am....the clan is set...they will not starve and they know their duties.  My daughter is already in tears.  My stomach is in knots....I hate those metal birds!  I have to say though....I'm kinda looking forward to the trip will actually feel like a holiday...hello?!?!?....I don't have to cook for 4 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....and there's a magnificent pool and gym at this hotel.....and I'm going to call in for room service and drink a bottle of wine....every night!!

I just hope they remember to feed the fish.

And yes...I will have "technology" with me and may be inclined to write some more.....between hot flashes!

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Heading on a Jet Plane.... (well with colleague)...Monday...gone...buh bye!...and I plan on bringing my bathing suit!!!  Thing is...I gotta get on a plane....and be stuck on it for 4 1/2 hours....  After this last week....I think I'm going to enjoy it!!  I'm taking a laptop and am hoping to have "time to myself"....and be able to write a bit.  Just send good wishes that the plane stays at 35,000 feet. :o)

Friday, November 2, 2012

I need to get away....

..and this fricken "m" keeps sticking!

Sunday, October 28, 2012

This is not my story....and is.


Breast cancer five years after diagnosis

by Jayne on September 27, 2010
For me, the five year mark isn’t too far away. I’m at 4 ½ years (IN MY CASE 4 YEARS AWAY). What does that mean for me?
I think it means that I get to move from a once-every-six-months oncology visit to a once-a-year visit. But I don’t know that for sure. In October, I will have the chance to ask Mr. Oncologist.
I do not feel safe from recurrence but I do not worry about it regularly, either. When I hear about someone’s breast cancer recurring ten…fifteen years later my insides shudder. A shadow passes over me. Then I push it away.
Not because I have excellent coping skills, but because I have come to terms with the fact that worrying about recurrence is pointless. Except for taking care of myself, there is nothing else to do. There are no proactive steps to take or treatment decisions to make. I like the checklist to minimize the chances of recurrence offered by Life After Early Breast Cancer. It reminds me that finding time to exercise and trying to protect myself from stress is not selfish.
And if the beast returns some years from now, perhaps there will be new treatments available for me by then.
My youngest child is now almost 10. When I was diagnosed in March 2006 he was only in preschool. He’s still just a little guy who needs his mom, but at least I have passed an important threshold: he would remember me. That makes me feel good.
My quality of life is OK; I know lots of people who deal with more aches and pains and limitations than I do. My energy levels are normal and my hair long and thick. I am concerned about my bone density but I am researching the situation and I’m not (yet) in a panic about that.
Lots of people think that the five year mark is some magical moment when you can consider yourself to be “cured.” It is not. But daily dwelling on a someday-maybe event? I can’t. I don’t.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Fuck, fuck, fuck....

....and it 's got nothing to do with my health.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Life just never settles for me....

I'll elaborate more later....angry with my sister....angry with my mother (who's about to die)....angry with the fucking "m"'s for me just to go to bed!

Still happy to be alive.....just have these issues.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

I almost forgot one of my favorite places....

...actually I did forget my password!!  We're all good now though!

Wow, I can't believe you guys kept checking up on me?!?....I thought you'd long given up on me!  So much time has passed....

My eldest turned 19 and has informed me of the clubs he's been to (previous to turning 19)....really...I should not be surprised....there's so much more to say about my eldest but for now....I'm proud of him...he's holding down a full-time electrician apprenticeship job and has already completed his first year at BCIT...barely....but we'll take it!

My youngest son (middle child....technically my 3rd) is now 15, is the tallest in the family and given the opportunity...will sleep 15 hours a day....which is why is so monstrous in size!...but he still gives me kisses!

My baby has turned 11 and has just begun "middle school" kind of sucked at first because they (teachers) decided to take her away from all of her friends and put her in a class where she knew no-one!

After saying how I'd be so happy to be done with the elementary school of 14 years....I walked by it with the dog and actually felt sad....those days are over....which really translates to me getting old!!!

I am now 10 months cancer free...this does not come without it's complications...which I'll get into more soon...for now...Tamoxifen is nasty and has been constantly putting my muscles into cramped tight balls.

We have bears....twice in 2 weeks a huge mother has come and devoured our garbage...ripped a bungee cord right in 2!  The hubs got clever and the third time....the bear was not able to open the garbage, but got so pissed off he left it in our neighbours front yard and then proceeded to leave a huge pile of shit in ours!!!

Summer remains...for now....and I'm enjoying every last ray!!!

My dad still lives with us.....

The dog (at 6 1/2) has arthritis in her elbows and needs to lose 15 lbs (11 at this point)....she drools constantly.

I have tomatoes!!...lots and lots of tomatoes still growing in my garden!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Wow it has been a while...

I really do have so much to tell...unfortunately I've enjoyed far too much of my red colored's a's my only vice...I need to refocus, redirect...for everyone's sake...tomorrow!

Friday, June 8, 2012

I'm back

You just gotta expect that my posts are gonna be a little emotional.....

But for now...."Florence and the Machine...No Light No Light" is blasting in my ears....and Tamoxefin is killing my hormones......more to come tomorrow...after my 8 am dentist am appointment...who the fuck made that one?!?!??!

Saturday, February 11, 2012


When I click on my friends link....this is what I get... never made another entry.  It's still so shitty....I'm ok with it now...or am I?...I think I am.

I have my 3 month follow-up on Tuesday (Valentine's)....I'm wearing a red sweater and hoping for some damn good news.....and then the hubs is taking me out for lunch! ;o)

Friday, January 27, 2012

The nasty disease got a good one....

I have been on an emotional roller-coaster today.....tears flow at a drop of a....well, pretty much anything.

A young mother of 39 (two boys 7 and 3) who had chemo with me on a few occasions passed away on Wednesday.  I got to know her and I can honestly say that I'm devastated....  She fought a hell of a fight and got through another Christmas but ended up succumbing this past Wednesday.  May she rest in peace and may her family know what an incredible inspiration she was to everyone that knew her!!!

I'm just at a loss today....I guess reality hit again....I've had it easy, but I also know that things can change in an instant.  I'm fighting this fucking disease myself and so when I get strange looks from people when I tell them the procedures I'm going through to stay healthy....well....*phhht*.

I've made too many "cancer friends" through this....and that's not to say that I don't want them to be my's just I wish we didn't share this particular "disease"...but I love them all....and that's what's so hard.....really...honestly....we're just living on borrowed time....  Sure some of us might get 10 years, maybe 20 and maybe even 30....but at 44....that's just not enough.  I'll take what I can get and I'll make the most of it....but I will also cry for those that don't get that "extra time".

And with that.....God rest Mrs. Jackie put up a hell of a fight....may your children always know what a brave and strong person you were!!!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

My New Time-Line

Sooooo......I found my lump on September 11th, I started chemo on Christmas Eve.....I get my 3 month follow-up on Valentine's Day....funny how things turn out.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Life's all so complicated and I'm still trying to figure it out.  I thought yoga would help, maybe I haven't done looking.....this whole new "raw diet" is an interesting factor...probably an important one.  I'm loving it...except one thing...which we're working's the shittiest part, but probably the most important.

I mentioned in my last post....I want to go back "home"....I really do...before it's too more visit with my "family"....and I don't mean "myself"...I'm talking about the aging of my relatives...yeah...I want to do this.

Can you tell I'm "homesick"....that's thanks to chatting with my cousin on-line....her dad/my uncle passed away long ago...I met her once.

I have to go more time.

Oh my gosh.....

....I'm contemplating getting on a plane and visiting the homeland!!!  What's wrong with me?

Thursday, January 5, 2012


My thoughts run so deep and raw tonight...I don't even know what to make of them.  I'm so in love with my family...I love, love, love...but there's something else....not sure what it is that's missing..gahhh!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Falling....just to get back up.

They say that you should just "get back up" after "falling".....what if it leaves you bruised and battered?