Chaosx6

Sad

2012-02-11T23:00:00.000-08:00

When I click on my friends link....this is what I get...http://jlunot.blogspot.com/2011/12/i-will-post-soon-im-doing-fine-just.html#comment-form...she never made another entry. It's still so shitty....I'm ok with it now...or am I?...I think I am.

I have my 3 month follow-up on Tuesday (Valentine's)....I'm wearing a red sweater and hoping for some damn good news.....and then the hubs is taking me out for lunch! ;o)

The nasty disease got a good one....

2012-01-27T22:01:00.000-08:00

I have been on an emotional roller-coaster today.....tears flow at a drop of a....well, pretty much anything.

A young mother of 39 (two boys 7 and 3) who had chemo with me on a few occasions passed away on Wednesday. I got to know her and I can honestly say that I'm devastated.... She fought a hell of a fight and got through another Christmas but ended up succumbing this past Wednesday. May she rest in peace and may her family know what an incredible inspiration she was to everyone that knew her!!!

I'm just at a loss today....I guess reality hit again....I've had it easy, but I also know that things can change in an instant. I'm fighting this fucking disease myself and so when I get strange looks from people when I tell them the procedures I'm going through to stay healthy....well....*phhht*.

I've made too many "cancer friends" through this....and that's not to say that I don't want them to be my friend...it's just I wish we didn't share this particular "disease"...but I love them all....and that's what's so hard.....really...honestly....we're just living on borrowed time.... Sure some of us might get 10 years, maybe 20 and maybe even 30....but at 44....that's just not enough. I'll take what I can get and I'll make the most of it....but I will also cry for those that don't get that "extra time".

And with that.....God rest Mrs. Jackie Lunot.....you put up a hell of a fight....may your children always know what a brave and strong person you were!!!

My New Time-Line

2012-01-24T22:14:00.000-08:00

Sooooo......I found my lump on September 11th, I started chemo on Christmas Eve.....I get my 3 month follow-up on Valentine's Day....funny how things turn out.

Life

2012-01-14T22:40:00.000-08:00

...it's all so complicated and I'm still trying to figure it out. I thought yoga would help, maybe I haven't done looking.....this whole new "raw diet" is an interesting factor...probably an important one. I'm loving it...except one thing...which we're working on....it's the shittiest part, but probably the most important.

I mentioned in my last post....I want to go back "home"....I really do...before it's too late.....one more visit with my "family"....and I don't mean "myself"...I'm talking about the aging of my relatives...yeah...I want to do this.

Can you tell I'm "homesick"....that's thanks to chatting with my cousin on-line....her dad/my uncle passed away long ago...I met her once.

I have to go back...one more time.

Oh my gosh.....

2012-01-14T22:31:00.001-08:00

....I'm contemplating getting on a plane and visiting the homeland!!! What's wrong with me?

Raw

2012-01-05T21:38:00.000-08:00

My thoughts run so deep and raw tonight...I don't even know what to make of them. I'm so in love with my family...I love, love, love...but there's something else....not sure what it is that's missing..gahhh!

Falling....just to get back up.

2012-01-04T21:26:00.001-08:00

They say that you should just "get back up" after "falling".....what if it leaves you bruised and battered?

Happy New Year

2011-12-31T22:49:00.000-08:00

Well it hasn't quite happened in these parts, although in many other areas of the world it has! But seriously....Happy New Year to my few readers and all the best in health and happiness!!

You're probably wondering what the heck I'm doing at 10:30 on New Year Eve writing on my blog?? Well, truth of the matter is my daughter is out, both my sons are out, my dad is sleeping and the hubs is relaxing.....I'm trying to live through detox/cleansing, but honestly I will have a glass of wine tonight...back to sweating poisons out tomorrow! "Cleansing" is not as easy as it sounds.....for three days I've had hot/cold sweats, headaches, bitchiness and quite frankly...could sleep all day! On the flipside...I've already lost 3 lbs!! I've been learning so much about the foods we eat and trust me it hasn't been easy watching the "Food Network" channel on t.v.

Anyways....Christmas was nice....I made dinner on Christmas Eve and Day....last year dinner was made for me, so I thought I could only reciprocate. Last year I was being pumped full of chemo drugs....this year the mammogram machine decided not to let go of my boob!!....at least I can laugh about both.

I started yoga a while back....have taken a break over the holidays but am geared to get back this week....I need to make it part of my life....yes, I love it that much. Don't worry...I won't turn "granola"....I'll keep my fake nails....lol

The hair.....I've had some unruly hair days as of late....and am LOVIN it!!!

I love my life.....even if the Tamoxifen makes me weepy all the time.

Well my little girl....I'll stop saying that soon....I can't believe she's 10 1/2 already.....is at her buddies and I need to go and get her soon. Speaking of kids and age......because we just put a new t.v. in downstairs for the kids (because mommy would like to see her children at home more often)....I said to the eldest...."hey, bring your buddies back here and watch a movie or something".....I even got chips and 7 layer dip, a meat and cheese tray, chicken wings, pop and even a 6 pack of Honey Brown Lager!!! Don't get your tivvies in a twist....I just realized today that my son's best friend is already 19!!....so why the heck did I go and buy the beer?.....he can get whenever he wants now?!?!? (btw....Teddy's "Ted" is 19 in August)....anyways....they're not here.....yet. :o(

So as I said...Happy New Year everyone!!! Check your boobies and take care of those that you love....and those that love you!

A Change is About to Happen

2011-12-28T21:34:00.000-08:00

Today I went to see my naturopath...tomorrow I start a new way of life/eating.

I'm really looking forward to the change...it's going to be hard...damn hard.....but I want to do it!

Tonight Tony and I went out for my "last supper" as I know it.....tomorrow....there is no coffee, no alcohol, no caffeine, no sweetened juice, no eggs, no bread, no beef, no pork, no tuna, no margarine, no....a few more things. Tomorrow I will begin my day with a cup of warm water, then some quinoa grains, fruit, then we'll move onto a shake packed with vitamins, soup is good, some chicken or salmon and more steamed veggies, add a cup of Japanese green tea and lots more water, a supplement of zinc and my many other vitamins...yes, folks....we're going into "detox". My husband asked if I could wait until the new year...no....it's time.

Wish me luck, cuz I'm gonna need it....oh there's yoga tomorrow too!!

Merry Christmas

2011-12-23T21:55:00.000-08:00

Well here we are.....Christmas 2011.

What a decade it's been....my mother-in-law passed away in 2000, my mother went bezerk in 2006 , I found out I had cancer in 2010 and my father-in-law passed away 5 days later. This time tomorrow (last year) I will have had my first douse of chemo...and I still managed a turkey the next day for the family.

In this new year I plan to do much more yoga, see my new naturopath and never see the sight of cancer again...I sure as hell hope!!

And as far as my wishes to you go....may you have a Merry Christmas and may it be full of love and blessings as opposed to presents and stress....may the new year be good to you and bring you all the best in health and happiness. And may you know that I think of you all.

And hopefully...I'll write more this year!! lol

12 days and counting....

2011-12-10T21:43:00.000-08:00

I promise I won't keep doing that...at least not on a daily basis. But hey...I'm 12 days cancer free!! Funny thing is I still feel crappy...not sure if it's still the affects of chemo and radiation (and drugs) or...who knows. I do know one thing...I started yoga and when I stop for a few days....well, let's just say I really shouldn't stop. Now if only I could lose those blasted 10 lbs....a combination of being sedentary over the past year, the drugs and...age.

I did some baking tonight....the laundry machine was broke so until Tony could fix it, laundry stood still...and now I'm waiting for bed sheets to hurry up and dry.

My boy made me very proud....he went out with his "usual" buddies last night...to a party. He was honest and said that there might be alcohol there....and if he should partake, he'd stay the night....but he'd text me to let me know. So he did text me and he said that he decided he would come home, not drink and tell his buddies that he had "priorities" today....I texted him back and all I said was "Love you"...he replied with "Love you as well"....I really do trust and love that kid (all of my kids)....they're turning into very fine young adults...even if they do "partake". :o)

7 days is good for me too...

2011-12-06T21:02:00.000-08:00

....did I mention that my eldest is a pot smoker? At the same time he's holding down a full time job and paying back a car loan... and he gives me kisses every night...*sigh*..I love my kids.

So yeah....I'm so called "cancer free"....for 7 days at this point...quite honestly....I'm still terrified.

Which is where I'm going to end this because there's so much more to add....

Start of the Christmas Season....

2011-12-04T23:03:00.000-08:00

So I think this weekend was/will be the busies for us....I'm a little glad it's over but at the same time...it was fun/

Friday was it's usual crazy self, Saturday included a dance recital and a company Christmas dinner, Sunday had it's share with a "mother/daughter crafting day" and then a Christmas dinner with "the only guy who's ever made my husband jealous".....our family friends.

My house is 1/2 decorated and 1/2 not.

I am six days cancer free....woo hoot!

Gosh it's been awhile.....

2011-12-02T23:01:00.000-08:00

It's cold...even with the hot flashes it's still cold here....typical Vancouver winter. This photo makes me happy.

I had my last treatment this past Monday...I hope for good! I'm already signed up for my first mammo since the last 17 shots of my boob, last year....December 22....I really hope I won't get any surprises this year since it's only a couple of days before Christmas!!...and I started chemo last year on Christmas Eve. I can't believe a year has gone by....all the shit I've gone through, baldness, return of the hair, total destruction of my nails, and so much more acid in my stomach that I'm sure I could burn asphalt! I'm glad that chapter is pretty much closed....now we're looking at doctor's visits (and blood work) every three months for the first year, mammo's, then doctor's visits every six months and then once a year until I hit the 5 year mark...when I can finally say I really...."kicked this shit to the curb!!"...right now...I'm 4 days cancer free.

Moving on....cuz that's a good thing to do when you go through this crap....

I've been doing yoga and pilates (sp?) like crazy....amazing if you don't get too hung up on the huru guru side of it....good for the ass too!

A couple of weeks ago the ink ran out in the kids printer...which is in the laundry room...it's wireless. The little containers weren't moving on their own so I told the hubs to unplug the machine. He asked Krystina to unplug it....she unplugged the printer and something else.... Fast forward two weeks....*something stinks in the laundry room*....it gets worse as each goes by. Teddy comes home one day and says he knows where the stink is coming from....."where?" I ask. "The freezer looks like it's leaking something". WTF?!?!...seriously....so I open it....chemo and radiation did not get me but the "smell of death" that came out of that "unplugged" freezer...just about did!...we're talking two weeks. The freezer is now outside, plugged in (to freeze the rot up) and Tony's taking it to the dump tomorrow.

My little girl is very sick and we just about headed to emerg last night/this morning (4 am)...she had such a bad croupy cough.....she couldn't breathe very well. To boot she has her Christmas dance recital tomorrow...she's desperate to go but....I don't know.....we'll see tomorrow. I love that kid.

I have lots of hair now!!

And a pot smoking kid....we'll leave that alone for now....

It's late and I need to hit the sack.....

I'm still here.....

Did you mention Christmas....a couple of weeks away??? I suddenly feel the way I did when I opened the freezer.... :o)

One year ago today.....

2011-10-29T22:41:00.000-07:00

One year ago today......it was a beautiful, sunny Friday afternoon.....and at 5:10 p.m I was told that I have breast cancer.

In one year I've had countless mammograms, needles stuck into a lump in boob, my boob cut open and a tumor cut out, cut my hair, shaved my head, lost my hair, wore a wig, wore many bandanas...and hats, slept with a cold head, went through chemo....and radiation, have had more iv's than I care to count....and have made many friends that share the same fate that I have. And here I am.....one year later....alive and thankful to have both my boobs!...and some hair!

Tony and I just celebrated with a few days away at my most favorite place.....Tofino....

I am thankful to be here, I am thankful for my children, for my husband, for my life....I am truly thankful. One year later...it still seems so surreal, the whole thing and it still brings to me to tears...but I'm here and I don't plan on going anywhere just yet....at least not for a good 50 years! ;o)

Almost 6 months to the day of the end of chemo.....I have hair!

2011-10-14T21:07:00.000-07:00

I'm allowed to vent....

2011-10-11T21:18:00.000-07:00

....maybe it's me...maybe it's the meds....maybe it's him.....but I am so fricken annoyed with him tonight....gah...really...really....I want to say it but I can't but gahh.....I really feel it. It's one thing for him to say something and then when I do....I'm being a bitch....whatever dude....enjoy the bed!

Hello

2011-09-28T21:42:00.000-07:00

I was going to spend some more time here today but alas....that blasted FaceBook and of course "life" took over. I have a kid traveling around the entire lower mainland (which keeps me unnerved), I have another who skipped school today and now is legitimately sick and my last should have been in bed by 9, but....is still hoisted in her father's lap.

I got through a massive headache today and the pain I've been suffering with in my arm-pit has gotten a little better....oh shit....I should keep quiet...you know...."Murphy's Law". I planned on being in bed by 9 tonight as well...I'm going, I'm going.

Day three of yoga tomorrow!

New Chapter

2011-09-16T07:50:00.000-07:00

My son graduated in June.
My son quit his pancake flippin job in June.
My son did essentially nothing in July or August.
My son went for a job interview last Monday.
My son started work last Tuesday...like "real" full-time work!
My son bought a truck on Wednesday.
My son has been getting up every morning this week at 5:30.
My son has matured and I think is ready for the "real" world.

This is his new pick-up....pht...all I could afford was a 1976 Pontiac Acadian!

My time-line

2011-09-12T21:20:00.000-07:00

September 11, 2010 - Found a lump in my left breast....knew right away it was not good.
September 14, 2010 - Saw my family doctor about said lump.
October 12, 2010 - Had 17 mammograms done...2 of my right...15 of my left.
October 26, 2010 - Had a biopsy done of my left breast.
October 29, 2010 - Was told I have "invasive, ductal carcinoma....estrogen and her2 positive"...cancer.
November 3, 2010 - My father-in-law passes away.
December 2, 2010 - I have a lumpectomy.
December 24, 2010 - I begin chemotherapy.
January 10, 2011 - I begin to lose my hair.
April 21, 2011 - I have my last chemo treatment.
May 30, 2011 - My hair starts coming back.
June 17, 2011 - I have my last radiation treatment.
November 28th........I cannot freakin wait!....

Delinquent

2011-08-12T21:05:00.001-07:00

I know I've been missing again....I think the speed of my hair growth is zapping my energy.

Ciao

2011-08-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

Dinner's are prepared, hotels are booked, preparations have been made, "the unit" is ready to roll....I'm (me and the girl) are outta here for a much needed break tomorrow. Gonna take her and this wild crazy head of hair for a ride.

Will be in touch!

We finally got some sun!....

2011-07-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

.....and then it disappeared again.

The last couple of days have been really beautiful here...finally summer has come to us. Last night we had dinner at my sil's...none of us really wanted to go....not that we don't enjoy it there, but there were issues floating around my little dysfunctional family and none of us was in a good mood. Anyways...ended up (for me anyways) being one of the nicest evenings I've had in a very very long time. The weather was great, food was awesome, wine was good as always, the kids behaved and Teddy even got to enjoy a "Heini"....I really enjoyed my chats with my sil and bil....really a very nice evening.

Ended the evening by driving past a Chevron station that had about 12 cop cars surround a car at one of the pumps....all four doors open....that would've been an interesting story!

And then the rain came back during the night.....if it's not sunny when I head down to the states, I'm going to be one seriously semi-baldish, pissed off lady!

A different chemistry

2011-07-29T22:24:00.000-07:00

Since I've gone through the whole chemo and radiation thing....I've noticed that what my body can tolerate and not tolerate has greatly changed....I've noticed too, that I need wayyyy more sleep than I was ever used to...which is not a bad thing....it's just trying to fit it into my schedule. (kidding Erik....I really have been taking it easy)! But what I eat, how much I walk and how much sun I get really tends to affect me. Including red wine...red wine is now my demon...seriously...makes me sicker than anything...and we're not taking a whole lot....even one glass and I'm done. So I've switched to white....lol....actually I'm taking it easy but I'd rather have a glass of white than red now.

*sigh* so much going on right now. Soooooo glad that July is over! July is always a crazy month for me..and now...I can relax a bit...and I will.

Tuesday - me and the girl are heading down to Portland to visit with Kacey's breeder (they've had a litter of 7 and will be 2 weeks old when we visit)....plan on spending some time with them, then checking into our hotel, going for a swim, having a nice dinner together, going for another swim and then chillin in our room.

Wednesday - get up and walk through Portland and pick up some cigars for "Mr. Grumpy"! and then head back up to Bellevue....check into our hotel and go for a swim...for dinner....another swim and then *night night*.

Thursday - check out the Seattle aquarium and tootle around Seattle...more swimming...more dinner.

Friday - shopping at the Bellevue shopping mall and than slowly start heading back to "reality"...ugh.

No, life is good....it's good to know that I'll be heading back down at the end of August with Al.

Blech

2011-07-29T22:08:00.000-07:00

So the husband is in a shitty mood....which makes me in a shitty mood...shouldn't but....he doesn't need to take it out on me....we all have shitty days. Guess it didn't help though when the middle child took a chip out of his "baby"....guess what I 'm going to get the big daddy when I head down to the states...yup....something I told him he should have gotten right away...a car cover!!! Until then....phhht.

A couple of my most favorite words....

2011-07-22T20:12:00.000-07:00

Anthrax

Annihilate

and of course steak.

....I know...I'm strange....

Missing this place

2011-07-22T09:49:00.000-07:00

I really have been missing my time here at this ole blog. I think of it often but when I actually get a chance to sit down....I'm just too tired to get my fingers to work. But don't lose faith in me....I may surprise the heck out of you and write so much you'll be afraid to check on me...lol...kidding. I just need to get through the next 10 days.

Hesitant

2011-07-18T21:12:00.000-07:00

I think I've been afraid to write...afraid to hear what I really had to say. Sometimes it's better when you have a front up.

A new one made by my wonderful son!

2011-07-07T19:00:00.000-07:00

Not to bad......

Run over by a truck

2011-07-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I've been run over by a truck and left to try and stand on my own.

Chemo was gross and not super easy but radiation took it out of me much worse. My red blood cells and hemoglobin are struggling to get back to "normal" levels....still well below....which would explain why I could sleep 15 hours a day....and I try to. I over-did it last week and I definitely paid for it. Next Herceptin treatment is this Monday...with my new doctor. :o(

On a positive note...I have hair happening...I have eyebrows and I definitely have lashes again....along with leg hair and *ahem*....but I only have one armpit that I have to shave...bonus! Now if my daughter would be comfortable enough to let me go "hat less" in public....she's not quite ready.....and it's getting warm out!

Last week consisted of a grade 8 leaving ceremony....my boy (after hair-cut) was such a dapper young gentleman and I was proud of him...he did well on his report card. We also had a grade 12 graduation ceremony for my eldest....it was a very, very, very long night....400+ graduates....but I was very proud of him too. And we told him....we gave him a beautiful "Tag" watch and said we'd help him (a bit) when he was ready to purchase a vehicle. And then he quit his job the very next day.....I'm still shaking my head. But he does have plans and I'm thankful for that....nothing would upset me more than if I had to see him sitting at home playing video games for the next 5 years....noooo.....we're going to get into the electrical trade....he just wants a couple of weeks off....I can handle that. Krystina had two, year-end dance recitals which are always too cute....I went to my most favorite doctor's "retirement tea" and ended the whole thing off with a 5 km walk with my good buddy....the morning was gorgeous. So yeah...time to relax a little. Well that is "now" I can relax a little....Krystina had her birthday party today which really didn't have me doing too much...thankfully...next week is Tony's b-day....I'll let him sleep in.

It's hard to believe that we passed our 19th wedding anniversary...that's a very long time...and while the man snores....I still "like" him...

Well I'm off to a clients tomorrow (because of treatment on Monday) and I'm ready to hit the sack.

Take care everyone!

A hero to many....definitely to me!

2011-06-30T20:12:00.001-07:00

http://www.nsnews.com/entertainment/movie-guide/education.0899/Last+call/4971585/story.html?id=4971585

Well here's a little something....

2011-06-28T21:16:00.000-07:00

I found this on another blog that I read regularly... I know I said I had lots to write about...and I do....but haven't been feeling all that great last couple of days....blood levels don't seem right.....either that or I've just done too much....let's hope for the latter...k?!

If it helps
we're only renting
The car you drive
The house you bought
Those shoes
That ring
This muffin
It all passes through
like it was never yours
to begin with
(Especially the muffin)

I'm the caretaker
for now
of this hat
that fridge
these cells
and once my term is up
they will move on
to the next caretaker
in some shape
or another entirely

Be the container
that is clean and good
to hold these things
for the time they are yours:
these babies
those thoughts
this poem
And be prepared
to let go
at a moment's notice
(or not)
when the moment comes
And if you feel sad
or heavy
or small
let go
let go
let go
All the stuff in the world
is not half as wonderful
as the room left behind
once it's gone.

Life

2011-06-25T17:53:00.000-07:00

I'm coming back...just a couple more days...lots to say....."life" just got in the way. :o)

For all you techies out there....

2011-06-20T21:57:00.000-07:00

....my boy put this together..not bad...not bad... xoxox

Retiring

2011-06-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

Am so very much loving this song as of late....Mr. "Amos" there is pretty good on the eyes too...at least in my opinion.

So today I had Herceptin treatment #???? I've lost count now. All I know is that my dear sweet oncologist is retiring at the end of the month (and so he should) and I'll be moving over to someone else...which I'm not worried about....it's just not "Dr. Chemo". But I have to be grateful that I'm not moving to the BC Cancer Clinic to become "just another number". So far we're doing well...well, as far as a good fried boob is concerned. Radiation is not much fun...in fact I think it's harder going through radiation than it was chemo. I'm literally burnt...inside and out....the pain resembles that of a very very bad sun-burn and.....an infant sucking life out of you for 2 weeks straight...yeah...it's that bad.

Tomorrow I start the first of 4 "electron" radiation treatments...when is this nightmare over?

On a different note...I had a fabulous weekend away with my hubs...just down to Seattle and its' outskirts but....it was soooooo good to get away.

When I came home I decided to play around with my daughter's newly bought "fake nails"....all of them except one had fallen off....I'm still sporting a beautiful thumb nail.....how the heck do these things come off?!?!?

Well my nights have been mostly and completely awful....and I'm falling asleep "at the wheel" here....time for bed...

16\20

2011-06-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I have my 16th of 20 radiation treatments...my nipple is about to fall off...sorry to you more "sensitive" ones xo....seriously....it's like I've exposed my boob and upper back to the summer sun for two days straight. Or another way to sum the feeling up is...I'm "breast feeding" again....remember that????...."teeth"!!??!? I'm giddy with excitement to know that that is the end of this type of radiation. I already have a square marked on my boob for the next four treatments....but hello....I'm going to Seattle tomorrow!! I don't care that I'm going to pick up a rear window for a '69 Mustang Mach I....I get to stay overnight in a hotel (in Bellevue) and go to restaurant and have someone else wait on me....I'm stoked!! Knowing my luck though I'll get my period...sorry.....then again...I should be pretty much "dry" from all the drugs. Hey did I tell you....I'm going away for 24 hours!!! Hell ya!

Fried...

2011-06-08T20:08:00.000-07:00

....is what I am...and not in a Jamaican way!

Two more radiations of the "full" variety (ie.my entire boob and part of my back)...and then 4 of the "focus on the tumor" variety next week...until then....I'm heading to Seattle and yes...I booked a hotel for the hubs and I...no kids...even if we are only picking up a rear window for the Stang...I don't care....we' re going to the CheeseCake Factory!!!

I want to write....

2011-06-03T21:39:00.001-07:00

.....about something other than radiation and sizzling boobs...but it's way past my bedtime and I'm surprised I even made it this late...(it's 9:30)...I'll see you tomorrow...I hope.

In the meantime..I'm boiling water.

Radiation

2011-05-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

I've just completed 6 of 20 treatments with not so much as a little sensitivity and itchiness along my collar bone....but apparently that's about to change.

Sometimes I sit stunned thinking about what this poor body has gone through in the past few months....I don't look at it as "me"...I look at it as a human body that's been poked, prodded, cut, put to sleep, poisoned, radiated, humiliated, touched, stretched, pulled, tattooed....etc. Oh the poisons that have flowed through me and now the radiation...what an experience on it's own.

I lay there alone on this table, all marked up, body pulled and pushed into position....breast marked and Jiffy'd and placed into position....to be told to "stay still"....while "they" leave the room and close the 6 inch door behind them....leaving me with "the machine".

"The machine" starts just below my left shoulder where I can't see it too well but the "ominous" sounds it makes are all too familiar at this point..I get three treatments at that level...then the "hand" (about three feet wide/high) moves it's way over to my right side and does it's thing twice over...finally settling right above my left breast it gives me two more blasts....some are 20 seconds in length and some are 30....the only comfort I have laying there is know that one by one...I have 7 and once I reach that number I'm done...for the day.

The radiologist comes back in, the table moves back down and I get dressed and put on my scarf....one down and 14 to go.

Oh the people you meet.

2011-05-27T20:35:00.000-07:00

One thing I can honestly say going through this whole ordeal is that I've met some wonderful people...some pretty miserable people too....but mostly wonderful!

I think of myself as a pretty positive person...sure I get grumpy and down and have even had my share of anxiety driven panic attacks, but generally....I'm a "half full" kind of gal. I love going (and this is going to sound very weird) to my treatments to meet the wonderful people that I have. Like the lady who shows up with a port in her chest wall, wig on and make-up perfect, sipping on her tea and laughing with the gentleman next to her. Or the gorgeous young woman (probably in her early 30's) with her head held high, looking radiant as ever and walking through the chemo ward with her iv. Or the wonderful older gentleman at the radiation department who sat there smiling at everyone that passed him by....one nurse walked by and said to him "you have such a wonderful smile"...and he does. Or the lady who today wished everyone a "great weekend" as she walked out after her treatment....or the second lady who walked by me and said "good luck with this too", as she tapped me on the shoulder. Or "Bob".....

I met Bob (and yes that is his name) during my last visit to LGH, he was being treated for colorectal cancer...just a simple gentleman with a beautiful smile. His wife (I'm assuming) was with him and after he was set up for his 4 hour treatment she gave him a tap and left the ward to do some shopping or whatever else. We started chatting...he had no children...I had three...he has three dogs...I have one...small talk mostly....talk about our treatments....our cancers.....our struggles....our want to live forever....me for my family....him for his shear love of life. Then he turned to me and asked "take that off your hat" (meaning my bandana)....I looked around and said "you really want to see?" and he said "yes"...so I did....and he was the first person to tell me that I looked "beautiful" without anything on. I mean, I know my husband thinks so...or so he's said in his round about way but....this was a stranger I had only met an hour ago....and I chuckled and put my bandana back on.... We chatted for a bit more and then I was done.

I wished him good luck and that I hoped we'd meet up here again....and he told me that when he's feeling really down he'll remember chatting with me, the smile on my face, the tears in my eyes and the love for my family and life.

I kidd you not!!! This is not a Harlequin Romance that I'm writing...it's true stuff and it really did happen! ;o)

Makes me love life that much more!

Another Chapter

2011-05-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

Here we go the next round of body torture! Tomorrow at 11:30 I will begin my rounds of radiation...20 of them...day to day (except weekends and holidays...hmmm...I wonder how much better off I'd be if I did this consecutively?). I'm not looking forward to this and the effects should hit me two weeks into it.....and last 2 - 4 weeks after I finish.

Funny thing is that I got a summons to jury duty last week and had to ask my oncologist to write me a note to "excuse" me...well she did....and she wrote that I'll be out of commission until at least...August 2...there goes my summer!

Last night I gave my children persmission to "color" my head...they had fun...the only stipulation was that they had to use "washable" markers...I have pictures...they're coming.

My eldest is going to his Grad dinner/dance next weekend...it's going to be a very long night.

I'm having issues with women....in general...how old are we? P/D....nothing to do with you. I think there comes a time when we really do need to grow up and stop acting like we're 10.

Al's sitting next to me on his computer playing some tunes...currently it's "Classical Gasl" by Vanessa Mae (not Mason Williams...which is another great version)...this one includes my most favorite instrument the violin...I tell ya..check it out.

The Canucks are winning but I'm vowed into silence because they last time they won I freaked and did a "whistle" that blew my husbands ear drum.

The girl in on the computer eating ice-cream and listening to the Beatles....we're far too techi. Actually it's more that this family has far too many computers and we've forgotten how to socialize with each other. This is actually not completely true...we talk...and write on each other's heads'....it's all love.

And with that...the girl needs a bath and I need to load up on mega water if I'm going to get through this burning phase.

On a side note...the Canucks are totally winning...it's still early....it's early with the Canucks until there's 10 seconds to go...and even then but...woo hoo..."bye bye San Jose"!

Suffering

2011-05-11T23:07:00.000-07:00

I have had to deal with "acid reflux" for just over a year now. Unfortunately it got worse with chemo. So now I'm dealing with it on a daily basis. I've upped my "prescription meds" and have included Gaviscon and honey into my diet. There will be no more wine. I'm really having a difficult time with this. My throat burns, my mouth tastes like acid and my nose is being affected....oh the joys.

And I'm still waiting for my radiation appointment start-up appointment...my tattoo's are fading! Seriously....never mind....I'll just keep my mouth shut and go to bed.

Graduation and $$

2011-05-10T21:44:00.000-07:00

So the eldest is graduating....*sigh*...I still remember pushing the sucker out!...and him driving the car backwards at 18 months (never mind)...and him smacking his mouth on the edge of our kitchen table....and him projectile pooping on his first doctor...and not sleeping for 4 months....and winning his first TKD tournament....and...well enough said...my boy is graduating.

$105.00 for his grad dinner/dance ticket!!! And the I came to the realization that it's May 10th and his graduation dinner/dance is on the 28th...he needs a suit/tux!!! And I just know that radiation will start any day and suck the life out of me and I won't be able to go and pick a suit/tux with him...which is why we're going this Friday. And my boy and his buds already have a limo arranged and I'll get to watch him cross the podium on June 23rd!

And really....I'm far too young to have a young man, taller than myself, graduating...now...but then the hot flashes do say otherwise.

So much going on

2011-05-07T22:23:00.000-07:00

There's a certain time in the morning that just feels so comforting.... yeah...it's the 4:30-6:00 time when the birds are chirping and I lay in bed listening to them while they piss me off because they're keeping me up..I love that time because it's just me, myself and the birds.

Then there's that time when, if I go out with friends I can come home and it's just me coming to "my home"....there are those times that I come later than "his bedtime" and I feel as though I'm coming home to my parents' home....*sigh*...I with I could just be left to be my own grown up.

On a different note...I have stubble!! Yay me...and it's on my head only...at this point...even better!

I had a fabulous night...my meringue cookies didn't work but...I won at bowling and enjoyed pizza with friends.

The whole is family is home again and I'm heading off to work tomorrow.

Still no word on my radiation treatments....will definitely be this week or at the latest next Monday.

When do you stop worrying about getting cancer again? Does it ever really leave? They say that I would be "cancer free" in 10 years!! I just want to be here for my kids...I have three graduations, weddings and grand children to witness.....I have half my life to live...and that includes the gondola again! Let's throw in a horseback ride...or two....and maybe even a Corvette.

Oh it was good to get out tonight and have fun...I've been doing that more so lately....my weary soul needs that.

It's difficult to sleep when....

2011-05-04T21:56:00.000-07:00

....your dog lays in front of your closed bedroom door and...."whines"....at 4:30 in the morning. So I let the mutt out...proceeding with my nightly "pee" and "drink of water". I then open the balcony door and summon her in...quietly...not wanting to sound like our neighbor did *screaming* her "Peppers" name at 3 a.m....no, not me....

The husband was quiet so it wasn't his fault...*sigh*...I guess I should get used to this...especially since I never sleep through the night.... Did you know that birds start chirping at 4 am?!? Then they stop...at 6 am....just in time to get up....blasted feathered creatures.....right about the time I wake up having to pee again and feeling my bald head is just a little too cold.

With that...low hemoglobin levels are catching up to me! g'night

A Decision to Make....Made

2011-05-04T21:17:00.000-07:00

So on Monday I was handed a ZipLoc baggie with some meds...*oh...what the heck are these?* Well they turned out to be "Tamoxifen" yay me! After dealing with the doctor's/nurses etc.....it was decided that I could start these meds at my own accordance...now...and deal with the side affects during radiation or...after...and have a reprieve. Guess which one I chose...well, since I already took a pill yesterday....I might as well keep going with *killing my chance to every have another baby* again....not that I was planning on it or anything! So I will begin with the "estrogen blockin" meds *that I will have to take for the next five years* tomorrow...I just hope I don't end up killing anyone while my body adjusts.....

It's a good thing I really love my husband.

Didn't get it

2011-05-03T17:47:00.000-07:00

So I went for my Herceptin treatment yesterday....that went fine. As I suspected though my oncologist wanted me to have another transfusion....so he sent me for blood work again to see if there was any improvement...and there was "marginally". Still well below "normal" things were creeping up and so it was my decision as to whether or not I wanted the transfusion....I said "no". But then I mentioned that radiation was coming up (to the nurse) and she thought it would be a really good idea to give me a requistion and if I wasn't up to par by Monday...I should go for yet another blood test. So I may still get that bag of blood.

As far as radiation goes...I'm all marked up and ready to go....just waiting for my turn....ugh, I hate the medical system here!

I really would like for my energy to come back, for radiation to be over and for me to finally be able to lose these extra pounds!!

Oh and in addition....I'll be taking "Tamoxifen" for the next five years...oh yay...menopause here I come. The fun just keeps going!!

Looking at transfusion #2

2011-04-30T20:59:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how your blood levels can affect you.... I've been feeling a little low these past few days and sure enough my blood results reflect exactly why I would be feeling that way. Well below "normal" levels I can barely make it around the block much less up and down the stairs....I think my levels may have dropped even more since my blood test of yesterday.....I really have no desire to do anything and would just like to retire to my bed and stay there for the next few days.

The Canucks and Nashville are playing and I just want "Grandpa" to go to bed so that I might have 30 minutes to myself...it's a good thing the little one is away at a sleepover/birthday...I'm done.."cooked".

Seriously in major need of a pick me up....I'll say *g'night* right about now.

Heading for round 3

2011-04-25T20:18:00.000-07:00

So we've done the "discovery", the "biopsy" and the "diagnosis"...then it was off to round 1 of killing this sucker..."sugery". Chemo is behind me....hopefully forever and ever!! Now we're onto "radiation". Tomorrow will be the start of getting marked up and tattooed in order for the machines to get the exact are when they start irradiating me. Four weeks of hell...Monday to Friday...I thought I was okay with this...it seems that at this very moment I'm not as confidant as I was yesterday. I'm still scared and I have my moments of "what if it comes back?" Every day.....for four weeks..... I even have to sign up for a parking pass....ugh....I really can't wait for Christmas!

19 years and counting

2011-04-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

As of today I've been married to my man for 19 years. We've had our ups and downs (mostly ups), we had ours laughs and tears....he's been my confidant and best friend. We've had 4 children and 4 dogs, 1 hamster and 3 fish. We've gained weight and lost weight. We've barely been apart for more than a day. Butbthe best thing.....I still like him and apparently he still likes me too.

A new health kick

2011-04-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

So I keep seeing advertisements for "Savi Seed"....I finally spotted a bag in my local health food store....and decided to buy a bag.

They're not quite as good as a bag of Lay's but they're incredibly healthy for you and really don't taste too bad....they're still growing on the husband...I like the "Karmalized variety...which is the only type I've had...they have "natural" and "cocoa" flavored as well. Kind of taste "woody" but reading up on the health benefits I'm tempted to make them a regular "snack" in my diet.

You should check them out...and no...I was not paid to promote this product.....I'm just sharing with my peeps!

Never take your nose hairs for granted

2011-04-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing I learned through this journey so far (and there have been lots of things) it's never to take your nose hairs for granted....seriously.

Currently I'm suffering with incredibly bad allergies....I sneeze...alot....and my nose runs....alot. Sometimes I give up and just let it drip...gross huh? The other option is to walk around with a wad of Kleenex stuffed up my nose...another pretty sight. But seriously...those little nose hairs that tend to grow on overdrive when we're older....they really are good for something....definitely keeps the meal from getting too salty.

Give me this day

2011-04-21T21:48:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling unusually yucky today...not sure what's up. Tony says it's my body catching up to everything....I just wonder how much more I can take. I feel like poisons are coming up (and down) through my stomach....acids are burning my throat and....okay....we'll leave it at that....just not myself today. It's allergy season as well and they're hitting me extra hard...seriously...enough already.

I'm looking forward to the weekend as I won't be doing much cooking....my sisters' on Saturday and my sister-in-law on Sunday....I'll make a yummy trifle....hopefully I'll keep it inside. Then it's work on Monday and off to the hospital on Tuesday..yay me...to get my "tatoo"...too bad it's in my arm pit.

I need to lose the 15 lbs I've gained throughout this process....I'm really looking forward to my energy levels not being depleted but than again....I hear they're going to get hit hard again during radiation.

I'm also having one of those days that negativity and pessimism is hitting me hard....I guess it's normal for someone going through cancer....I keep asking myself "what if it comes back?"...."what if I'm the one?"....I know...banish those thoughts....I hate these thoughts....I've stopped reading the obits.

I have a song recommendation for this weekend....."I'm not in love" by 10CC....that should date me.....

"20"

2011-04-15T21:00:00.000-07:00

I met with my radiologist today... It seems as though I get through another chapter and then I look back at the time that has passed by...I can't believe it's already been over four months since the start of treatment...actually...7 months since this whole ordeal first started...shocking. Well we're onto the next chapter....radiation.

In the next few days I will be "marked up", "measured up" and "tattooed up" for my next round of warfare. Within three weeks I will begin an intense relationship with a radiation machine...which will be in love with my left breast and my left arm pit. 20 treatments...daily trips to the hospital Monday to Friday for 4 weeks until this chapter is closed....weekends off...yay me! Always the possibility of future cancer (sarcoma) as a result of the intense radiation, bone breakage and a host of other ailments but...we'll head into this just like the last...without looking back.

Today I rewarded myself by adding a charm (or two) to my silver bracelet....an "angel of hope" and an "end of chemo" charm....frivilous (sp?) but a reminder of all this shit I'm going through....not that I will always want to be reminded...but then again....if I can be a positive in a negative situation for even one person during my life time....than I can rest easy.

Tomorrow there's a fund raiser being given and I'm still geared up for the Sun Run on Sunday....my bones ache the worst yet but....I'm not giving up....

That's not an option.

Onto the next chapter in "my life with cancer"

2011-04-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

So chemo is done! Yay! Yay! Hip Hip Hooray! I received my last Neulasta injection this past Tuesday and am living through the affects of it now....not so much fun but I'll get through it....just another day or two. No more Decadron to add weight and puffiness to my face and hips...I should start to see that dissipate in the next couple of weeks. And finally....I'll have use for all the razors I was given again....not that it's been that bad, in fact...I have to say if there was a flip-side....the "no shaving" thing was the best. Knowing my luck I'll get all hairy now and need 200 electrolysis treatments...lol...

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I meet up with my radiologist to discuss the radiation plans. While I'm definitely not looking forward to this either....it should be and I say "should be" easier to take than the chemo was...and I only say that because really....the chemo was yucky....but it was way better than I had ever expected. I guess that's what $25,000.00 gets ya!

And as usual, I will make my trek to LGH in 2 1/2 weeks for my tri-weekly treatment of Herceptin until the end of this year....when I propose to make one hell of a party! These treatments should be a breeze and I can drive myself there and back....the 45 minute drive there and back and 30 minute treatment will be more of a nuisance than anything but....it should save my ass from my boobies being invaded ever again *cross fingers and toes*.

And there you have it....as far as today goes...I'll take it easy while the electrical jabs go through my bones and take care of my little girl who's been home with a sore throat these last couple of days....I still have to be careful that I don't get sick, so I'm not smooching as much as I'd like to.

Sunday we have the Sun Run that I will NOT be running in but rather walking....as far as I can. My doctor okayed it as long as my blood levels don't dip down too far as I'm still on the edge of needing another blood transfusion. Hmmm....I should get one Saturday night and then I should be good to sprint the whole thing!!

Well that be all for now...it's more than you've gotten from me for a while now...there should be more....I'm getting back into the writing mode....especially since the laptop is up and running once again. It was touch and go here for a while while the laptop was "down"....at least according to one sick little girl.

Have a great one!

And you think it's my sense of humor that helped me get through this....

2011-04-12T19:53:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine shows up at my front door step every once in a while with flowers, or sandwiches and chocolate...never lemon loaf though....and just yesterday she showed up with these...you know....to congratulate me on the fact that chemo is over and.....my hair will be coming back. Funny you are D....funny you are!! I'm still chuckling! If you don't see it right away...take another look!

Done, done, done!

2011-04-11T21:16:00.000-07:00

I really want to share a photo of something I received today from a dear friend....to celebrate the end of my chemo treatments....but my blasted computer's acting up and not letting me transfer the photo....I will try tomorrow because this is really way too good to not share.

Quickly....

2011-04-10T21:32:00.000-07:00

....I'm so very tired....but absolutely thrilled that tomorrow is my last chemo day....I'm done with these poisons!

Putting on a brave face

2011-04-04T21:18:00.000-07:00

This is my blog so I can write what I actually feel....isn't that the whole point of blogging? I haven't been here to much as of late because when I sit down at the end of the day I don't even have the energy to come here...well, that's not completely true....I check you guys out but it just takes too much energy to take what's in my brain and dump it out through my fingers.

I've had enough. For the last 3 1/2 months I've had deadly poisons run through my body, eating me alive. I constantly have a taste of acid in my mouth...\I'm almost positive if I was to spit on the sidewalk it would start to burn. I'm tired, sore and forever burning....I cannot wait for Monday.

Okay enough about that....

My sil got me a Pandora's silver bracelet and charm....can I just say I'm giddy in love with it. I'm wanting to buy myself a charm to celebrate the "end of my chemo".....I'm not going to go crazy but I'll keep with my love of purple and silver....there's the "Angel of Hope" that I'm looking at...all affordable....I would never go for the crazy priced ones....but they sure are purdy.

Worked today....put on make-up....including my brows....I'm getting really good at them too.

My laptop has lost it's wireless connection and it's most upsetting...so I'm writing this on my little "netbook" which is a little bit of a pain...but then I'm spoiled because hello...I have a "netbook" to write on if the laptop goes aray. It's just that the keyboard is smaller and my fingers are cracked and sore and ...yeah....I'm whining.

With that being said...I need to go and veg.

One more to go!

Broken

2011-04-01T12:59:00.001-07:00

Broken from Freek van Haagen on Vimeo.

I came across this short film on another blog....very well done.

Come hither...

2011-03-28T23:08:00.001-07:00

....the dog gets clean teeth tomorrow....I start walking tomorrow......

I'm almost a little sad.....

2011-03-25T22:40:00.003-07:00

.....I'll have to dust off the razor pretty soon.

It's amazing what a good bag of blood and friendship can do!

2011-03-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the longest I spent in the hospital yet (since this whole chemo business started). I arrived at 7:30 a.m. to have an echocardiogram (to see if any of the meds have affected my "ejection fraction" of my heart....good news....everything is A-OK after 3 months of poisons....which means the intended "plan" will carry on without a hitch)....of course I was nervous, because that's just who I am. Every once in a while the technician would turn on the volume and you could hear my thumper "boom booming" away at a pretty face "boom"....so needless to say I was glad to hear the results were good.

Then I had a few minutes to kill before I was to meet with Dr. Chemo. I have to say that LGH has the best cafeteria among all the hospitals I've been to here, so I was looking forward to some "quiet time" and some good food. Sure enough....they had a nice array of french toast, scrambled eggs, sausages, egg omelette (sp?), mixed fruit and what did I choose????....oatmeal....and tea.

Then I headed off to get a routine check-up, everything checked in except for my blood work...which we already knew. It was time for a blood transfusion to pick up my levels and make me feel better. So off I went to the laboratory to get some blood work and a cross match....that took 40 minutes and I was on a "stat" order....lol. It's okay...I could hear others grumbling that they had been there for 2 hours!

Back down to the chemo ward to get hooked up for my day of poisons. The nurse made the mistake of telling me that I was going to get the "big needle" because of the transfusion. I told her...."please....don't tell me anything....just go ahead an do it". I did have (in my opinion) the best nurse on the ward (I had her on Christmas Eve and she definitely knows her stuff) and as she's sticking the needle in my hand, I go on to tell her that I thought she was the best at doing this....that's when I started squirting. She laughed and said that I "jinxed" it. Apparently the tube connection was giving her grief and I'm not sure if I was squirting from the tube or if the needle had moved and I was squirting from my hand but....I was making a mess on the floor and table top. So I had to help her by pressing down on my vein while she "corrected" things. Now we were all hooked up for the usual "baggies". My blood bag came at the end.

It's amazing how red and thick a bag of blood really is....and it didn't want to get pumped into me for some reason, so after 1 1/2 hours and only 1/4 of the unit gone...we had to make some adjustments to how my hand was situated and that seemed to get the blood flowing....and my temperature and blood pressure. After a couple of readings though, we discovered that the reason my temperature was probably going up was the fact that I was drinking hot tea (they take readings from your mouth) and while my bp was just "high"...I was making it higher because I was freaking out. So they stopped the transfusion just before the end and let me "settle down"....I had a few sips of water and everything came back "normal"....I'm such a difficult patient.

We finally came home at just after 5. I was pleasantly surprised with a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my bud....definitely brought a smile to my face.

And today....the "original oompa" had impeccable timing and brought me a yummy sandwhich and chocolate ganache 15 minutes before I was allowed to eat again....and I was starving! It was perfect.

I've just come back from my Neulasta injection and can already feel the slight twinges, but I'm hoping it's not going to get too crazy.

I slept in until 10 today (after going to bed at 10 last night) and managed to just do small things. Don't worry Erik...I really am "taking it easy"....I just get a little crazy the weekend before each treatment but I haven't had the energy to even that. Movies and enjoying my kids....that's what life is about!

One more to go and I cannot wait till this hair starts growing back!

I've been told.....

2011-03-20T21:41:00.001-07:00

.....it's time to put the "super mom" apron up for rest.

#5

2011-03-20T21:35:00.000-07:00

I'm over here....I'm not in hiding...I'm just in the other corner.

So tomorrow is chemo treatment #5...two to go....I'm really hoping that tomorrow is number 5...not sure how they deal with things when things "pop up".

I got my blood work on Friday and everything's gone crazy! My WBC, RBC, Neutrophils, and a bunch of other things are wayyyy out of wack....most are well below "normal" and a couple of way above...which would explain why I've been feeling soooooooo crappy. No really....crappy.

I'm exhausted walking around the block...hell I'm exhausted walking up the stairs. I feel weak and I can't think straight. Signs are pointing towards anemia...which would be the "best case scenario"...I don't even want to think of the other "scenarios"...things have gone far too well to think that things have gone to hell.

Well anyways....I have to be at the hospital for 7:30 tomorrow for an echocardiogram...I meet with my oncologist at 9 and then chemo is supposed to start at 9:30....I may be getting a transfusion...maybe.

Okay...I'm done...typing has worn me out.

Oh and "Mr. Kotta, Mr. Kotta".....

2011-03-14T21:36:00.001-07:00

....guess what's rearing it's ugly head...again!!! There is no mercy for my poor body.

The bra thing

2011-03-13T21:51:00.000-07:00

It's really hard to do yoga when your bra pops open 15 minutes into the class...and you don't have a chance to leave and clasp it....

But it's a really great thing that you're actually doing yoga and even better that you're doing yoga in a bra because you have "something" to put in that "said" bra!!!

Nothing much else except....I'm emotional this weekend and hello....I made perogies!

Today......

2011-03-09T21:19:00.000-08:00

.....I'm done with the nose bleeds and the constant taste of blood. I'm feeling shitty today and I'm done with the whole thing...well not really...but it feels good to write it down.

Tomorrow....another day.

A couple of photos....

2011-03-08T21:38:00.000-08:00

Me and my boy

Everyone's iv to life

My iv to health

Me and my girl.....and yes...those brows are drawn in.

People just come into your life and surprise you...

2011-03-08T21:13:00.000-08:00

....no matter what you believe, what happened to me today is always a smile producing, heart warming feeling.....and makes you think that people do still care.

Today I went to bottle a couple of batches of wine...I know..."me bad"....only if you believe that I'm "drinking" from those batches....it was fun....good to get away from the regular "routine". After that I went for lunch with a friend...at a pub....okay, okay...don't condemn me...nobody said I wasn't allowed a glass (or two) or a bottle (or two) of wine/beer. Anyways.................

After a very yummy bowl of clam chowder and a seafood sandwich I had to pee....okay...I had had a beer...which is why I had to pee. So I went to the lovely pub restroom...which you can never trust because hello....many a drunken sailorettes have sprinkled on the toilet seats.....which is why they have (instead of hand sanitizer)....toilet seat cleaner....I kidd you not. So yeah...I'm peeing....and I notice these very cool snake skin shoes in the stall next to me....now there's a blast from the 80's! I head out to wash my hands and out comes this 70 - 75 year old woman....she's beautifully "kept"...I mean that in a good way...her hair is perfect, her make-up is nice and she just looks great. She washes her hands and then proceeds to wipe around the sinks...almost delaying time...as if for a purpose. And yes....I do believe in this kind of "stuff". The conversation goes like this....

Her: "Don't mind me...."
Me: "Habit I guess?"
Her: "Old habits die hard"
Me: "lol...that's okay"
Her: "Can I ask? Do you wear your bandana because....."
Me: ......"yes"
Her: "You are a brave soul. Can I bless you?"
Me: "Sure...why not?"
Her: *makes a cross on my forehead and says a silent prayer*....very obviously a Catholic.
Me: "Thank you."
Her: "Be strong and God Bless"

And then I went back to my beer and she stayed in the bathroom for a while longer. Whatever you believe/don't believe.....the world needs more people who give a shit. I went back to that beer very grateful of that total stranger.

It's funny how....

2011-03-06T22:42:00.000-08:00

.....the weekend comes and all I want to do is go to bed early...I mean really early....and then Sunday comes around and all of a sudden....I've got this burst of energy?!

The love of my life has gone to bed before me for the first time in 3 days with an ear infection....the boys are still up, rotting on the couch and here I am...not wanting to go to bed just yet. I'm not sure if it's just because I've "caught up" on my sleep or if it's because I'm a little fearful of hitting the sack and having to go through the crap that I've been going through....hot and cold, tossing and turning, stupid dreams and just plain listlessness...... I'd rather stay up until 2 and get 4 hours of good night sleep as opposed to going to bed now and getting 20 minutes here and there.

Work beckons me tomorrow...casual...but still I have to head out.......

I can tell that my "levels" have dropped again.....the rim around my eyes is as pale as my skin and my lips have no color....oh the joys. I had another nose bleed today...massive...in my terms....and then I managed to swallow a huge clot of the red stuff....that's not good...is it?

I love life....am appreciating every moment...."from this moment on".

And on that note....if you're interested on knowing what a "cancer victim" goes through, as far as emotionally......http://www.amazon.com/This-Moment-Recently-Diagnosed-Cancer/dp/0375503099
this book is absolutely amazing!! Truly...I "phshad" it at first....and now I'm ready to donate a copy to the chemo department that I spend countless hours at.

Seriously folks.....life is good.

Definitely have been "hit"

2011-03-06T21:40:00.001-08:00

This weekend has bar far been the most difficult for me. Just feeling really really weak and sore...everything aches. I want to sleep but I don't want to close my eyes....sleep has not come easily. Hot and cold sweats a result of the chemo or early menopause hitting me....which is very likely....thanks ~~bitch~~ "mother nature". Daily nose bleeds....not knowing if the next "runny nose" was actually a "runny nose" or another nose bleed...trust me...I've done alot of laundry this weekend.

Today however was a gorgeous day, one might say the first real spring day....nothing was going to stop me....not the weakness....not the bone pain...nothing.... I took the husband and the dog and did a good 4 km walk....it felt good...not easy....but so good.....and then I bbq'd a bunch of t-bone steaks...mmmmm....heavenly.

The day started with breakfast at iHop with the girl, the walk, her soccer game and then a jaunt to see Justin Bieber's new movie with her and a friend....okay...I've been "Bieberized"....don't laugh....remember I'm totally into all kinds of music. In fact....I'm currently listening to "Indie" rock and quite enjoying it....but the movie itself....wasn't horrible....even caught myself smiling a couple of times.

Well anyways...gotta go to work tomorrow and I'm trying to ward off another "hot spell"....not to mentioned...just caught "the girl" stealing another Cadbury Easter Egg....darn those things are good!

Somtimes life just makes you feel a little more "out there"....sometimes you just wanna get "crazy"!

2011-03-05T19:37:00.000-08:00

Today I'm feeling much like this song sounds....

2011-03-05T19:11:00.001-08:00

Stuff to say

2011-03-02T10:31:00.000-08:00

Well hello there once again! I've just been so tired lately that although I have had plenty to say, I just haven't had the energy to sit down and make the brain work. Although I think I have a little bit of "chemo brain" as well...I've been forgetting things and lose my train of thought...who wouldn't with all this crap floating around inside!

Got over my last bout of "spillage" and am hoping that I'll get a little break...please...have mercy.

Chemo #4 was this past Monday, that means two to go...keep your fingers crossed!! Then it's going in every three weeks for my Herceptin treatment (until the end of November) as well as radiation that should start up pretty quick after chemo is over. So far the worst of everything has got to be the bone pain I get a day or two (for 2- 3 days) after my Neulasta injection (white blood cell booster)...but even that I'm tolerating enough that I don't take any pain killers....why put more shit in my body.

The kids are doing well....they all just got over nasty colds which I managed to get by with just a slight episode.

The winds are picking up today...imagine that....we had a good dumping of snow a couple of days ago and today we're waiting for 100 Km hour winds.

I've got some photos...really I do...but my (the kids') laptop (where I download to) was infested with virus'...should have it back today. I hate to download too many programs on my "work" pc.

Aleks accompanied me to the hospital on Monday. He wanted to see what "mom went through" every three weeks...it was good having him there. I made him my "go fer" but I think he went more "fer" himself than me...I didn't need much....apparently he needed a bag of chips and a Kit Kat bar at 10:30 in the morning...quite enjoyed the cafeteria at LGH.

I've gained far too much weight. Partly because I haven't been doing much but also a great deal because of the meds I'm taking...I can't wait to be done with them. Seriously...10 pounds since I started....6 pounds in three weeks this last time round....that's a total of 10 pounds, not 16 thankfully but at this rate...I better do the 10 k!

Well that's about it for now...I should get some work done...at least a little.

My belly is itchy...

2011-02-25T21:32:00.001-08:00

...I just had to say....not sure why....it's just itchy...in spots.

So hey!...haven't been here for a while...been meaning to...but really....been doing "not a hell of alot" this week and really...."chillin"...and not "stressin"...which is what this is all about...right?

Did some work, had lunch, bought crafting supplies....took care of myself.

Today I went for more blood work...I'm not sure that it's such a good thing that I have access to my results. My WBC (white blood cells) dropped by 50% in one week, my platelets went up (that's a good thing)...my RBC (red blood cells), hemoglobin and neutrophils have all dropped....and have dropped with each treatment. These are indications that I'm becoming "anemic"...not a big deal but really...do I need any sort of complications? Treatment #4 is on Monday....I can't wait till they're over. Aleks decided he wanted to spend the day with me at the chemo ward...I will use and abuse the poor child and maybe...just maybe we'll get a few photos happening.

I seem to be pretty oblivious to this whole "cancer" thing nowadays...it's a part of my life....feeling shitty...feeling great....wearing hair....wearing a bandana...deciding to go "naked" through the house (not totally of course.....just the head)...wearing make-up...looking like a walking cancer cell. All in good humor people! Anyways...my point here....I'm pretty "cool" with the situation I'm in but....every once in a while it will hit me again...like yesterday morning....the alarm goes off and I send the hubs off to the shower...I lay there and have this gut wrenching realization that...."I have cancer"....it still sucks...big time....even if I have some cool bandanas and I drive a cool car...which I do.

I've gained unnecessary weight, I've lost "necessary" hair, I'm pale, I'm tired and yes...I'm bitching..it could be worse.

Did I tell you that my husband signed me up for the annual "Sun Run"...it's a 10K walk/run to help benefit people like me....it's happening 6 days after my final chemo...10K...yeah...I don't think so....but you never know. I started my so called "training" (walking) today.....I'll definitely give it my all. I have a skateboard all lined up that I can sit on and Tony can push me along on...

Totally different note....I have my eldests' graduation "commencement" date....this is just way too freaky for me....my kid....graduating....creepy. My Al turns 14 next month and my girl....went to the local "Jelly Bean" dance tonight with two of her "guy friends"...while her "soul mate" kept texting her (on my phone) while he stayed home with the flu.

Life is good.

Random thoughts

2011-02-20T21:20:00.000-08:00

I've managed to "not" have a nose bleed for three days....must be all the Vaseline I've got smothered inside each nostril.

I've made three loaves of bread in three days.

I'm still bleeding...sorry.

Had a great night out last night....must've....4 hours flew by!

Did my usual stint of cooking today.

Including this concoction:

kale
onion
garlic...lots
tomato
carrots
red beets
gold beets
multi colored carrots
broccoli
leek
parsley
parsnip
dash of sea salt
pepper

boiled in water and then pureed....actually quite good...and VERY good for you.

Cheese bread today...yum.

One week until treatment #4.

A fact....I lose more hair after week #2 (after chemo).

All three of my kids are currently in my living room...on the couch...together...watching t.v.....picking their noses and farting.....these are my children....this is most unusual (the fact that their all together "loving" each other).

Still fighting a cold.

Still going to win.

Lab results

2011-02-20T10:57:00.000-08:00

So I got my lab results and compared them to previous blood work. The most important while fighting a cold and bleeding on a daily basis would be my platelets and my WBC (white blood cells). Platelets are still in the "normal" range even if they have dropped a bit...so I'm not concerned. My WBC's are beautiful...at the high end of "normal"....which means the Neulasta injections are doing their job and I have a fighting chance of getting over this cold without it turning into something nasty....even if all the kids are still hacking and snorting...like their mama. I'm just going to take it easy today and bake a single loaf of "cheese bread"....we made the "caraway rye" yesterday....the stuff doesn't last long in this house!

You weren't kidding....

2011-02-18T21:32:00.001-08:00

....my home smells like a bakery!

It's far too late to be eating bread but....it's soooo worth it....at least for the first loaf!

Tomorrow....it's caraway rye bread! Hopefully I'll be feeling as good as I do right now!

I forgot to mention....I've been loading up on vitamins....in the natural and pill form. Each morning I've been making myself (and the girl) a shake consisting of frozen black berries, fresh blue berries, yogurt, real juice and wheat germ....yum and yum for me. Tonight....I wanted to make myself a healthy soup/drink out of all the things that I don't love....garlic, onions, tomatoes, yellow carrots, broccoli, red beets, gold beets, kale, parsley, a pinch of salt and pepper and guess what???.....it was delic...pureed! Healthy, healthy, healthy!

I will win this war!

Manifestations and things you might not want to hear

2011-02-18T20:04:00.000-08:00

So it seems that the chemicals have really started kicking in as of three days ago. I've been doing pretty good thus far but have noticed a change this past week. I think it really hit home when yesterday, I was having lunch with a friend and could not drink my beer...it was awful...I mean the beer...not the not being able to drink it...that's almost a good thing. No but really...people (and myself) have been pleasantly surprised as to how "easily" I was taking this whole chemo ordeal....well no longer.

I will be blunt here so if you don't want to read....hit the "x" now.

I began my period last Friday...now typically it would start and after 4-5 days it would be done. Well...since I started chemo this is how it's gone....and remember...my treatments are only 3 weeks apart. Treatment no. 1 - period begins one day after. Treatment no. 2 - period began one day prior. Treatment no. 3 - period began 4 days after and has not stopped since. That's right folks...I've been bleeding for 9 days straight. I've also have issues with bad nose bleeds.

While I haven't been too concerned about the nose bleeds...I have no nose hairs to speak of and the weather/temperature has been dry....not to mention the fact that they do stop with proper compression....they have been happening on a daily basis for the last week...well, except for today....my nose is heavily coated in Vaseline. I have been slightly concerned about the length of the "other" bleeding....so I made an appointment to see my doctor today.

The other "weird thing" is that yesterday I started to get a very painful spot on my hand. Now let me try and explain this....have you ever had a small vein burst in your hand? It can be quite painful and quickly turns into a small purple bruise.... Well that's what I thought this thing was turning out to be except....it never really turned into a bruise and never stopped hurting....so I wanted to mention this too.

I start the conversation with...."I don't want to make mountains out of mole hills but....I don't want to leave something that might need dealing with sooner rather than later either." So he checks me over....oh yeah...I forgot to mention that yesterday was also a day of sneezing, sore throat and down right crummy feeling.... I check out okay...except for the hand thing....he gives me a topical antibiotic because "it looks strange". The bleeding...."while it's not a "normal" thing...it might be "normal" in my instance. So I was sent for blood work...to make sure my platelets were okay...we'll find out in a day or two.

I'm definitely feeling better than I did yesterday...although still stuffed....I've only sneezed 3 times...as opposed to 3 x 30. I also don't feel as chilled or just plain crappy....even though I had a terrible night's sleep...on the couch...because I didn't want the husband to have a bad night.

Anyways...my girl is watching over my shoulder so I'll end this here...more to be continued...soon.....

Bread is baking....smelling pretty yummy!

He wants me to bake

2011-02-15T16:44:00.000-08:00

So did you have a nice Valentine's Day? I did. Mind you I went to a clients and spent an unusually long day there....but that's okay...it'll pay for the flour I'm going to have to buy.

I planned on making a nice dinner for my hubs but ended up coming home way too late...so while it was good..it was rushed. Still...salmon fillets, spicy rice and veggies...with a chocolate ganache cake...that never got eaten. I came home to a bread-maker!...I did!...it wasn't a total surprise as we had been talking about it...but it did make me smile. Oh the loafs I have in mind! We'll start off with a basic white bread this weekend followed very quickly with a caraway rye. This house will smell heavenly.

Tony did have me in a bit of a worry all day yesterday though....he ended up taking two of his high blood pressure meds within 15 minutes of each other yesterday morning. Silly! He said he definitely noticed feeling a little "funny" but thankfully it all turned out okay...

Teddy's graduation photos came in the mail today....I looked at them and now I think I'll put them away until we actually see him walk across the floor in cap and gown. That's mean...he'll make it... but it'll be by the skin of his teeth (is that a saying?).

And now it's time to prepare tonight's dinner.....left overs.

Somebody has it in for me...

2011-02-13T08:42:00.000-08:00

Remember how I mentioned the "bone pain" had diminished and I was really hoping for a better night? Yeah well...didn't happen. Not sure why I can't get a little bit of a break here...or maybe I am...because I keep saying to myself that "things could be worse", but....that doesn't help me when I'm "in the moment".

So last night was filled with multiple leg cramps in my calves and throbbing, pulsating pain in my lower back....along with hot and cold sweats....could be a precurser sp? to the early onset of menopause. Oh yeah, I didn't tell you?...with all these yummy chemicals in my body I could very well turn into an early case of menopause....goody for my husband! My throat's gone raw again as well....I'm a mess folks! Seriously, the only good thing here is that I haven't had to shave in like...two months! Well that and the fact that we're killing these bad boy cells.

Yesterday I realized just how heavy "real hair" can get when you wash it. Yup....rather than wash my hair on it's own, I decided to put it on my head, jump in the shower and give it a wash the ole fashion way. It took all my strength to keep my neck aligned and keep my head from falling back. Really...hair soaks up a lot of juice when you're in the shower/pool etc....I guess that's why swimmers put on those little head condoms.

I'm sure I'll be back here today....I have nothing planned and I like it that way. Major amount of cooking was accomplished yesterday, so today it's just about catching up on e-mails, finishing a craft, baking Valentine cupcakes with the girl and making lunches for tomorrow...I may even stay in my pj's today!

A must see...

2011-02-12T20:42:00.000-08:00

......if you ever get to Vancouver...or if you're already here....you really must check out this ...."Little Billy's">>> place....seriously...the best steak I've had in a long long time! The service was great! The food...seriously yummy! The "J.Lohr" went perfectly with the steak and of course....my date was the best...but I already told him that.

In other bloody news.....I had a massive nose bleed this morning...something of which I have to be very careful with as a result of changing platelet levels. Blood seemed to have consumed me today...what with my steak being a little more on the "rare" side but still....exceptionally yummy and well...we won't go any further as that. I definitely needed to replenish with some good ole red wine...but enough of that tomorrow.

My "bone pain" has diminished...finally...thankfully and it looks like I might actually have a restful night...I hope. It's a good thing considering the amount of cooking I did today....but it was all good.

I could keep yammering here but I think I'm going to go and sit down with my girl...who's not feeling herself these days.

Too much to do.

2011-02-12T09:23:00.000-08:00

It's true...I do have far too much to do, but....it's a good stuff!! Now that my workload has decreased significantly and I'm spending more time on "me"....I've gotten the itch to get back to one/some of my hobbies...problem is....I decide this and then I've got them all on the go. For example....

I picked up knitting again...I know...I'm only 43!!...but it's very soothing....and I've decided to put together a little hooded sweater for a friend of mine who just had a baby.
I've also been itching to pick up my camera and take some photos...unfortunately the weather has turned...again....and I don't quite have the strength (yet) to go out and spend an entire day looking for eagles.
Then there's cooking....I always have strength for that...which is what I'm going to do today...perogies and turkey meatballs today....cupcakes tomorrow. Then I'll have someone else do the cooking for me tonight...can't wait!
Paper crafts...ie. cards/albums...my dining room table has it's spot with my latest project sitting there waiting to be finished.
Of course I'd also like to get back (and get serious) about yoga.
I've already done alot of reading and research on foods and healthy lifestyles that can benefit me (and my family).

So what will actually happen is that depending on the moment, the day, how I'm feeling....I'll do a few minutes here and there and finish a sleeve, a page, a dish....and in the end....I'll get done all that I set out to do.

In the end....I will always have alot on the go....the difference is that this time....it's stuff that I really love to do!

Right now though....I really need to go and wash my hair...I have a date tonight!

Balder than bald and not a great week to show for it.

2011-02-11T19:43:00.000-08:00

I'm trying....trying really hard but....I had a meltdown last night...in bed...at 10:30 p.m.....apparently I'm still "allowed"....*whew*. I was doing okay until the Neulasta kicked in and then it was knife piercing pain from my chest down...every 2 seconds or so...constant...through the day...and the night. Needless to say I've been having a couple of really bad nights and missing out on sleep....lying there while shots of pain continue to go through my bones. I feel like an 80 year old today. Not to mention but...and this is where I get very personal...."Mother Nature" has it in for me....her timing is impeccable and personally....I want to go ahead and strangle her because she has no part in my world...right now.

Otherwise....my bandanas haven't come yet and my stubble is falling....my eyelashes and brows have thinned and I've gained far too much weight for my liking....and yet I'm hungry! I decided if I can have a decent night sleep tonight my plan is to make perogies tomorrow and spend 30 minutes on the bike at the gym. I know it's the drugs but I just feel sooooo yucky...and I'm so not used to this. It's been great not having to shave though....my armpits are as smooth as a baby's bottom.

On a different note...I have a friend who's in a bit of a bind. We're not in the best of shape but we have far more than many and way too much to be thankful for....Tony and I decided to give this family a helping hand and I'm really hoping that it isn't taken the wrong way. It's just a gift card for groceries but...you just never know how one will take this sort of gesture.

I made reservations for dinner tomorrow for me and the man and I'm looking forward to a nice dinner for two at a steak house that I've been eyeing forever....something to look forward to and maybe dress up a little and even....wash the hair and put on some make-up. I'm just hoping that the pain has lessened and I can enjoy the day a little more than I have this past week.

But again....things could be so much worse...things are good....I'm going to kick this and everyone else is healthy....life is grand!

1/2 there!

2011-02-07T16:49:00.001-08:00

Well things went swimmingly today! Got to the hospital, down my Kytril, saw the doctor, reviewed my blood work, weighed myself *eeeek*, picked a chair, proceeded to have the nurse NOT be able to start the iv first time....second time....round. She finally called a "senior" nurse and "third time lucky"....yay me! First baggie (Decadron), second baggie (Carboplatin), third baggie (Herceptin), fourth baggie (Abraxane.....my cost), fifth baggie (Saline)....all these "baggies" make me pee. I've tolerated the Herceptin well the first two goes and with each treatment they drop 30 minutes (ie they pump the same amount into you...quicker), soo....this made for a quicker treatment day. So quick in fact, that Tony came (on time) too late to share a bowl of soup from the cafeteria with me....I was applying pressure to the iv site and was ready to put my jacket on within minutes of him arriving. So he took me to White Spot and now I'm home.

*waiting patiently for my bandanas*

My "chemo bag"

2011-02-06T21:42:00.000-08:00

I'm gathering together my little "chemo bag"...it consists of snacks, juice, a word search, magazines, a book, a pencil and my iPod...I think I'm good for 5 hours of iv.

Steroids tend to do that.

2011-02-06T21:27:00.000-08:00

I've gained weight. Enough that I'm going to complain. Enough that I'm not going to post the photo Krystina took of me tonight with my hair on and a bandana on....nope...sorry.... They say that cameras "add" ten pounds...yeah well...like I said....I'm about ready to lose some of this weight...isn't that what chemo is supposed to do?!?!?....I'm waiting.....

I didn't just eat that whole bowl of buttered popcorn....

2011-02-05T21:39:00.000-08:00

....did I?

Well yes I did! And it was tasty...and even though I've gained some weight (which everyone keeps telling me is a good thing during this course of poison)....I don't feel toooo guilty....okay...that's a lie...I do...but it sure was yummy.

I also went out with my husband tonight and had Vietnamese/Thai food...that ended up being too spicy (but incredibly good) for my raw throat. I told him that we should make this a habit of heading out the weekend before each treatment so that I/we can talk and enjoy some good food (that I haven't cooked).

On our way back to the car I noticed a car speeding into a parking spot and some hooligan screaming out "woo hoo"...when I looked with a frown and the thoughts "crazy assed kids"...I noticed it was none other than my crazy buddy D...lol...who would'a thunk it? Don't see her for months and then there she is....twice in one week....always sporting her lime green vest...which is very becoming of her!

So we're all set up for Monday....gotta head to my clients tomorrow and make sure they're in order but otherwise I'm in good shape (work wise). In other ways....my eyebrows and lashes are starting to thin....my head has sore spots as does the inside of my mouth (hence not finishing my delectable Thai meal)....I generally feel "blah" but am fighting these poisons every inch of the way. Had my blood work on Friday and we'll see how they turn out on Monday....I'm terrified that something should be amiss and they decide to postpone treatment....I have plans folks!...gotta stick to a schedule!

I'll be honest and tell ya that I was terrified heading into the first treatment...had no problems with the second one and am back to being terrified. I think the "bone pain" that I started to have with the last treatment is scaring me a bit. I can't describe the shooting knife pains you can get after having received a "Neulasta" shot...and now that my body is regularly being filled with these nasty poisons....I'm not expecting it to get any easier....but we will "get through this".

My husband is continuing to be honest through all of this and the kids...well Krystina is a little worry wart and Al is almost 14...enough said. Ted....oh Ted...a good kid all around but could definitely get his heart beat up and do a little more than just play "World of War Craft" and flip pancakes...but at least he's doing that.

The bed sheets have all been changed...it's a strange "thing" that I have whereby I have to have all the bed sheets clean and changed before each treatment...and the floor cleaned....it's just a necessity....or a sickness.

Anyways....I'm done for the day....it doesn't take much these days.

I'm looking forward to 12:30 Monday when I'm just about done and Tony shows up with the "soup of the day"....oh the things I look forward to nowadays.

Another beautiful day

2011-02-02T07:40:00.000-08:00

It's already shaping up to be another gorgeous day. There's frost on the roofs and the sun is rising with a pinkish glow.

I however...am not feeling so sunny today. I'm tired, my throat hurts and I'm just blah. It's a good day to stay home and just do little things as I feel fit. I don't even feel like putting my hair on. The bandana is much more comfortable....speaking of which....apparently there are 8 that are coming my way!

Time to get the little one's up.

Thankful

2011-01-31T21:29:00.000-08:00

As is pretty typical with any form of chemotherapy...the more treatments you have...the more your body gets worn down and eaten away. I've only had two (next one on Monday) and while I've kept up to my regular schedule pretty well...I have noticed a slight decrease in my energy level and/or "get up and go" attitude. But still....I had a friend today say to me (in not these exact words) "gee...I keep thinking I'm going to see you all down and trodden and yet...you're still going strong!". That's because it takes alot to get me down....I don't say this to "pat myself on the back"...I just have no other choice and yet....life is so much slower for me now. As I mentioned though...I have noticed a bit of a change.

I owe my friends the utmost in thanks and gratitude...I've been overwhelmed with the want to help me out with driving the kids after my treatments (three kids...three schools), the flowers, the offers to drive to treatment (I'm not allowed to drive the day and for a couple of days after), for the hats I've received and the wonderful meals that have been prepared for me and my family. Today I went out to my usual "Monday client" and as I expected after a long day there...I was "done" when I got home. Thankfully a friend had come by in the morning and dropped off the yummiest pasta dish....which I just had to pop in the oven and serve with salad....so thankful! We've had chili, chicken pot pie, meatloaf, lasagna, soup, cabbage rolls....so many yummy treats. I just feel amazing gratitude....and guilt...because I honestly think I should feel worse in order to be taken care of so well!

And my work is so caught up that I actually have two...count 'em...two...lunch dates this week....and then there's blood work and the gear up for my next "poison dump"...but hey...we'll be half way there!....always a positive side!

And now...my head is itchy...gotta go and scratch!

Head Gear

2011-01-30T22:12:00.000-08:00

So I obviously I wear alot of scarfs/hats/bandana's and/or my wig lately....all of which are a pain in the ass and recently...would rather do without. But...there are a tonne of cool bandana's out there...very cool! So I found a really neat "skull and crossbones".....yes....I have a "dark side" and then there was a really cool blue and red paisley one that I liked. My husband on the other hand....was on the lookout for a cool "gun" style head dress...and he found one....so we'll see what comes in the mail. Call us rednecks....call us what you will...we're making "light" of this whole crappy situation...which is starting to wear on me...but not enough to bring me down.

It was a good night to go out....

2011-01-29T20:05:00.000-08:00

....even if the meal was less than yummy.

I cook...I cook almost every single day...for 6 people and sometimes more (sometimes less too)...but the point is that we don't go out very often...it's too expensive. So I said to Tony this morning..."hey..how about we head out to Ea*rl's tonight and eat someone else's cooking?". Teddy ended going to work, Krystina went to a soccer buddies for a "movie night" and so I sent Grandpa and Al off to get a burger and we went out to enjoy dinner on our own.

I put my hair on and we headed down the road....it was busy...it was noisy...but it was good to get out. Tony ordered a plate of the hot wings, I ordered a "prawn dish" that came out to be a sushi roll (totally mis-read that)...but was tasty. And then my hubs had a cedar planked salmon and I had the chicken in a white wine sauce...both not as good as we had hoped. The flavor wasn't there and they forgot Tony's potatoes...how do you forget the starch? Still....it was good to get out and be alone and talk...which we always seem to forget how to do as soon as we sit down...so we talk about the kids...and my hairless head.

And now I ask the middle child to "stop yelling at his PS3"...we wait for the girl to be driven home from her "movie night" and the eldest to finish his shift at the pancake place where he picked up a shift to wash dishes because hey...he had nothing better to do.

But all in all....a good day to be had.

You haven't missed me at all...have you?

2011-01-28T20:30:00.000-08:00

Just haven't felt much like being here lately...oh don't worry...I'm checking up on all of you on a daily basis but...my tongue has been tied. Actually I've wanted to write...sort of...but then I go "blah" and sit on the couch and ignore the computer. It's being monopolized anyways....

Still trying to get over a sore throat that could be the result of incredibly intense allergies, possibly a cold due to my lower immunity, a result of acid reflux damage or hell...it could be the damn drugs they keep pumping into my veins!

Doing okay otherwise....life is good....but it sucks at the same time. I noticed today that my "stubble" is pretty much disappearing as well. I'm as bald as you can possibly get...which makes it awesome for shaving and plucking....it's just not happening....which makes morning time a whole lot quicker.

The girl has gotten used to me "bald" and will even enter the bathroom when I don't have a head dress on...she doesn't like it...but she'll come in...and then she'll ask if I'm "wearing my hair" on the way to school?!?

My patience has gotten a little short as of late...perhaps due to the crap that I'm going through...perhaps a little bit of pre-menopausal symptoms...my system is going through hell.

I'm on a steroid and therefore am eating lots.....of salad....and am shopping at health food stores alot.... I've also been reading a couple of incredibly interesting books on cancer, foods that fight cancer etc.....interesting stuff...makes ya kind of obsessive....makes me spend an awful lot on a papaya.

Well tonight's a different night....K's at a dance (yes, you heard me right), Al's at a movie, Ted's at work, the two older guys are on the couch watching the show down in the Middle East and me...well maybe I'll go and paint my toe nails.

See ya!

I have a diaper on my head

2011-01-23T20:20:00.000-08:00

No seriously...I do. I got this amazing piece of cotton from my dad's friend (who just went through ovarian cancer) who had it shipped over from Slovakia....it's soft and warm and just so cozy...and yeah....it's a cloth diaper.

Yesterday and today could have been better....my throat feels like it's been clawed to the raw. Apparently something's going around and hello...whatever is out there, I'm going to catch....which I did....and so now I can't swallow....or talk. The other bad thing about 'being me" right now are the sores in my hairless nose....I wake up every morning to nose bleeds and pain....oh what fun I'm having!!

I'm also starting to look like your typical "cancer victim"....pale and dark circles under the eyes....not to mention all the sympathy looks I'm getting from people if I venture out with only my diaper....and the questionable looks I get from people when I wear my wig.

Oh and on that note....I head down to the post office today and an acquaintenance walks out as I'm walking in....I say cheerily "hey, how are you doing?"....she responds with the same but clearly has no idea who the heck I am....it might have something to do with the fact that the last time she say me (two weeks ago) I had super short hair....today I had "sexy hair". Regardless....I know she went back to her car *scratching her head*.

The husband has a cold.....enough said.

Time is ticking a little faster

2011-01-21T20:16:00.000-08:00

It's funny you know....Tony and I were commenting on how long it seemed to take between the first and second treatments and yet....it's already been almost a week already...which means only two to go. And because today I'm feeling pretty cruddy...I'm really wishing that time would slow down a bit.

Yeah...after my "I'm feeling great" speech yesterday I woke up at 5:30 only to be in a cold sweat, vomiting with "bone pain"...which I've been suffering with all day. I knew it was coming...I thought first time round that it was something else but now that the pain has hit again....I'm very well aware that it's a result of the white blood cell booster shot. And I'm feeling just a little sorry for myself today...but that quickly changed after I saw Roger Ebert on Entertainment Tonight...

My defences are weakening and my overall state is a little more fragile....but I'm trying to carry on as best as I can. My girl is still taking this whole thing the hardest and will barely tolerate having me out of her sight just for the school hours... I have sores in my nose and taste blood whenever I sneeze, I ache when I sit stand or walk and my stomach is so full of air that I feel as though I've eaten 50 lbs of hot dogs....and this too shall pass....just not tonight.

In another day or two I'll be feeling stronger again, the aches will be disappear and the remainder of my stubble will fall out....leaving me a little more pale and darker circles under my eyes. And for this reason I wonder why we (as women) go to so much effort to "try and look good" while we go through this crap. I guess it's to make us feel better...which it does....but it's amazing how quickly that vibrant healthy person we once saw disappears when doused in poison upon poison.

I was going to go to yoga tonight...that was my plan....plans change...quickly....I'll strive for Tuesday at this point....tonight I just want to curl up on the couch and forget my woes....not that mine are so great....they are to me, but in the overall scheme of things....they're nothing.

And with all that moping I still hold fast to the following:

"I have two options...one of which is not even a consideration"....I will get through this and kick it in the ass!

What are nose hairs good for?

2011-01-20T19:19:00.000-08:00

....cuz I don't have any.

Yup...my hair started to fall out last Thursday (three weeks to the day of my first chemo)...am I repeating myself? *sheesh*...I can't even remember when the last time I was on this thing... Anyways...I went to blow my nose yesterday and noticed that I had my daily blood volume seeping out....so I looked...and lo and behold there are no nose hairs!!

Other than that really exciting news....my second chemo treatment probably went better than my first....although I am struggling with some abdominal pain at present...it's no where near as it was the first time around. I had fever, I had tiredness and the only other thing I've noticed different is a bit of "bone pain" in my legs this time round...but no where near any reason to start downing the meds I have for this said "bone pain".

Life is going on...I have my treatment, I lose more hair, I sleep a little more, I take a little Tylenol, I get back to work, I get back to myself and then I get hit again. But really....so far so good. I even washed "my hair" today...now that was wierd because it wasn't on my head...there is no hair on my head (just as there clearly isn't in my nose)...so yeah...that was wierd...but my wig got a wash and she's setting now...just had to make sure the "part" was on the right side...because it wasn't at first.

Today was also "one of those days"....I'm dealing with this whole situation really well...I think...but then every once in a while a day will come along and someone (or a couple of people) will send me an e-mail and I'll start to sob...or I'll hear a song and I'll start to feel sorry for myself. I really don't want that...but there are times. Today was one of those days...tomorrow will be better.

Tomorrow I'm going for sushi!

Hopefully tomorrow my period will stop after 8 days too!

One can hope!

Ready for Round Two

2011-01-16T22:35:00.000-08:00

I've lost my voice
I've lost my hair
I love my wig but
I'd rather go bare

Did I mention my head gets cold?

My "chemo bag" is all set...word search, iPod, book and snacks...I'm good to go. And yet...I'm so not.

Yes Erik.....

2011-01-14T22:11:00.000-08:00

.....you can call me "baldy"! ;o)

And while I haven't had the guts yet to look at myself in the mirror...I am diggin the wig.

I have to say...it's kinda strange when I get an itch and I end up with a hair net thingy in the way.....

It was inevitable

2011-01-13T19:35:00.000-08:00

Today marks three weeks to the day that I first started chemo. It also means that Christmas was only three weeks ago and we have a year, less three weeks till next Christmas. But today also marks the day my hair started to fall out.

This morning I got up just like any other morning....tired....and had my shower. As I pulled the comb through my short short hair, I noticed the teeth on the comb were filled with an unusual amount of hair. I then went to put some mousse in my hair and noticed as I ran my hands through....that my hands came back covered in hair. As it is now....I can grab hold of a bunch of my hair and without so much as a pull end up with a good handful. It`s begun....and it`s kinda sad.

I went out to a wig store and made sure I had `wig tape` to help hold the prosthetic in place (is it correct to call it that?).

On a side note....I love my boy Al (I love them all but...) kid is a computer genius and figured out how to fix my keyboard on this new netbook...love him!!

Anyways...today marks a day to remember and while I've been incredibly good this week...I'm going to have me a glass (or two) of wine....probably not the best thing when you have cancer but hey....it's my t.v. night, it's our traditional "wine night" and hell....I'm losing my hair night!